Brushes with Poker Fame—Annette Obrestad

With Berkeley thankfully crashing out for a Saturday afternoon nap, I was catching up on some blog reading when I ran across this lighthearted interview of Annette "Annette_15" Obrestad over at Poker From the Rail.  It's strange to think that in a few short weeks, Annette_15 will finally be old enough to compete for a WSOP bracelet to go with the WSOPE Main Event bracelet she won in 2007 at the age of 18.  I strongly encourage you to read the entire interview, as Annette_15 has some interesting comments on the ladies event, women players, avoiding tilt, and dreaming of poker and Wynn art.

One question/answer caught my eye:

DM: Growing up, were you a troublemaker in school?

AO: I was not. I’ve always been a wonderfully good girl. My friends and I never did anything we shouldn’t. The teachers always liked us…I did as I was told.

Now, by chance, I happened to play 1/2 NL with Annette_15 at the Venetian during the recent IMOP-V.  It was late night/early morning, and my PLO game had just broken.  I was sent to a 1/2 NL table where I took the open seat to the right of a young woman who looked a lot like Annette_15, but I certainly didn't think it was her.  In fact, the thought didn't really cross my mind; after all, why would a polished big name European pro be donking around at 1/2 NL at the Venetian?  She was chatting quietly with a young guy to her left; they were obviously friends playing together. 

At this point, I saw my buddy Fat Jesus sit down to play at a nearby table, and I went over to ask if he had seen our IMOP comrade, Bonnie (notorious for disappearing after 20 or so Coronas).  When I got to his table, he told me that he had played at my table earlier in the evening, and that the young woman was in fact Annette_15, which was confirmed by the dealer.  Of course, that gave me a good facepalm moment as the obvious sunk in to my skull.

I wish I had some great story to tell of a monsterpotten involving Annette_15, but basically, we all just played normal 1/2 NL for a couple of hours.  Annette_15 had a good stack (maybe $400) at one point, but took a couple of bad beats to slip under $100.  After nursing her shortstack a while, she limp-pushed against my BB raise; my QQ held up against her AK, and she busted out.  She sweated her buddy for a few more hands before they left for the night. 

In any event, I was quite impressed with how normal, friendly, and down to earth Annette_15 was that session.  She chitchatted with me and other players about normal poker stuff, she never identified herself nor showed any sign of an ego-trip, she never berated players or dealers, she made a couple of jokes (but none were mean-spirited); essentially, she was a very pleasant player to share a poker session with.

In a day where "bad boys" and "poker brats" are celebrated and publicized, it is refreshing to see such a talented player who is also friendly and dignified at the poker table (which seems consistent with her personality during televised poker events).  Young players (and not just young women) would do well to model their poker game and table behavior after Annette_15.  I will definitely be rooting for Annette_15 to have a successful WSOP run, including a bracelet or three.

The Metropolitan Ely Invitational Championship

I finally jumped back into poker action for the first time since my return from Vegas three weeks ago. I headed east to the Metropolitan Ely Invitational Championship poker tournament, hosted by Ironman Colt. Other Ironmen taking part included Santa Claus, Fat Jesus, and River Joe; Baby Carlos bailed, claiming some lame excuse about "work". Last year's MEIC Main Event was won by Mrs. Ollie (a/k/a "Kryptonite"), who took over for her husband when he was called away for fatherly duties, and promptly took his short stack to the title. The tourney highlight was when Kryptonite eliminated three players on one hand.  Tournament directors really need to take a look at this spousal bait-and-switch angleshooting.

This year, I was playing an average stack when Kryptonite pushed all-in over several limpers, and I woke up with Aces. Defying the odds, I managed to suck out a blank board and coasted to the final four. I got to heads up with Colt roughly equal in chips, and took a commanding lead when my red Presto held up against Colt's Ace-Yak. A few hands later, my King-Yak of crubs rivered a Yak to beat Colt's Ace-Eight for the title. Nothing too exciting, all pretty standard tourney play. But I'll take the cash!  Also, it means gays won both prestigious poker tourneys this weekend; just more evidence that gays and flushes both beat straights in poker ...

One funny moment occurred when we got down to three players. The third was Colt's niece who was playing with a hand ranking chart in front of her, yet had made several great calls to eliminate players along the way. Colt won a big pot from her with a suckout, and was stacking her chips when she sweetly says, "It's OK, I still love you." Colt and I laughed and started using that line the rest of the tourney. Wonder if we'll ever see Phil Hellmuth say that in the WSOP ...

On an unrelated note, let me pause to wish a happy 40th birthday to Ironman Bonnie, whose wife provided this great high school photo, which clearly inspired Napoleon Dynamite:

I will be returning to cash game action at the Meadows ATM later this week.  As always, hilarity and the revolution will not be televised, but may be Tweeted.

Sweet Home Venetian

The Ironman of Poker (IMOP) returned this year to the Venetian, now home base for three out of five IMOPs.  Although IMOP events are held up and down the Strip, the bulk of IMOP cash game play tends to be at the home base, partly because of the convenience, and partly because of the need to rack up enough hours to qualify for the deeply discounted poker room rate. 

So, why the Venetian?  There are several reasons, including:

* Poker room quality—The Venetian is, if not the nicest-looking poker room in Vegas, at least in the conversation with Wynn, Bellagio, and Aria.  Actually, I'd throw Hard Rock into mix, though it is not particularly convenient.  There is plenty of room between tables (unlike Bellagio), and the chairs are comfy.  Moreover, playing poker at the Venetian gives a sense of being part of the glamor of the Vegas experience, rather than being stuck in a dumpy back room somewhere.

* Location—The Venetian poker room is prominently located by the main casino floor and sportsbook, as well as being just inside a main entrance from the Strip, and right by a set of escalators coming from the Venetian Canal Shops and Tao nightclub.  Definitely a good spot to attract casual players passing by.

* Number of tables & players—The Venetian poker room has 39 tables in the main room, and what is appearing to be a semi-permanent tournment area by the room entrance with another dozen or so tables. On a weekend evening, nearly every room in the place will be full, ensuring plenty of good games to choose from.  But there is always plenty of bad/drunk competition, essentially 24/7/365.

* Quality of opposition—Although the competition at the Venetian has certainly toughened up since the room opened, and is nowhere near the donkfest one might find in some of the small rooms, there are still plenty of bad players who want to try playing in such a fancy room.  Also, the drunk rich club kids coming down after partying at Tao, or rich Cali-kids looking to play some poker before going out certainly add to fish fry.

* Tournaments—The Venetian runs well-structured daily NLHE tournaments and seasonal Deep Stack Extravaganzas that offer tourney players a great value.

* Comps—What can you say?  Standard $1/hour for 1/2 NLHE, $1.50/hour for 2/5 NLHE and PLO.  But rather than being restricted to a sandwich shop or café, the comps can be used at the Grand Lux Café which offers a tasty menu sure to have something for everyone.  Not a bad reward for playing cards!

* Room discount—We got Rialto View Suites, which usually cost $299-$499 / night, for just under $100 / night, including taxes and fees.  These rooms are big and fancy, and add some fun and glitz to the experience.  But, at the discounted rate, they cost less than a Holiday Inn-level hotel in many of the towns I visit for business.

* Beverage service—Paying poker in such a nice room is fun, but for the Ironmen, the Venetian's offering of premium drinks (Red Bull-Grey Goose is the unofficial drink of IMOP) to its poker players is a major draw.

* Customer Service—The Venetian poker room management has made an effort to be friendly and welcoming to low-level players, rather than taking a snooty attitude as might be found in other "elite" rooms.  This is rather important to the Ironmen, given our rather loud, boisterous hijinks at the tables.  Also, management welcoming of low-level players only swells the Venetian's herds of donkeys.

Speaking of customer service, when I checked in, I was informed that the rooms for the others in my party were not yet available.  However, the three of us team "captains" had booked separately.  It's quite the marvel of computer programming to identify that the three of us always book rooms at the same time, during the same month, every year.  As long as they haven't figured out our inclination to drink high-end liquor ...

I also had a package with our pledge "awards" shipped to the Venetian.  Little did I realize that the Venetian's package center closed at 6:00, so when I went to pick up the package at 6:10, I was told I would need to wait until the next day.  When I explained that I needed the package that night, a front desk worker explained the situation to a manager, who then contacted security to arrange to get the package.  Now that's customer service!

Now, the Venetian isn't perfect; for starters, I'd get rid of the cloying floral perfume that assaults the nose (a serious annoyance for me as I have highly sensitive sinuses).  Also, it's not the place for cheap table games.  But overall, it's really hard to think of a better place for the Ironmen to call home.

ADDENDUM (3 March 2010):  I believe the Venetian's success has a lot to do with a great marketing concept that started before the casino opened.  To dedicate such a large area of prime casino floor space to poker without any customer base took a lot of courage.  Also, management early on made a critical decision to cater to 1/2 NLHE players, who really weren't getting much attention from the heavyweights of the day:  Mirage was fixated on its bigger LHE games, Bellagio had the Big Game and bigger stakes games, and Wynn was chasing much the same crowd.  The Venetian offered a glamorous room and a welcoming smile to the little people, who comprise a pretty large percentage of poker players.  Now the rooms which once snubbed these bread and butter customers are reluctantly retooling their marketing to try to compete with the Venetian for the 1/2 NLHE niche, while the Venetian packs in their normal crowd while still expanding into bigger games.  Based on results, Venetian has had what is quite possibly the best poker room marketing campaign of all time.

IMOP Memories: The Beatdown at Bally's

IMOP-V begins today, and I've been on the ground in Vegas since yesterday for pregame training and festivities. Last night included an In & Out Burger run, as well as some poker at MGM and Aria. My fun hand of note was cracking Ironman Rookie River Joe's Aces with a rivered bajos dos pairs while playing Ironman Barbie's signature hand, the Spanish Inquisition (6-3, because nobody expects it). Hilarity ensued (Joe: "You called $50 on the turn with a pair of 3s?!?!"; Me: "I put you on Aces.").

As with yesterday's post, today is another trip down IMOP memory lane as we continue to celebrate "Ironman Week" here at crAAKKer. For the uninitiated, check out the page links under the header above for background information.

Tomorrow, I will post my personal IMOP-V prop bet picks, along with a look back at some classic IMOP props.

*******************************

One of my most bizarre poker experiences occurred on IMOP-II. Santa and I were Strip surfing, looking for good drunken late night game. We stopped in a Paris (remember when Paris had a poker room?) but the room was dark. So we headed up the Strip and stumbled across a short-handed game at Bally's.

Now this was my first time in the Bally's poker room, so I wasn't prepared for the unique mix of drunken play and weird characters that epitomize the Bally's poker experience. For those who have never enjoyed the Bally's poker room, two key factors come into play--being open and immediately adjacent to the pits, and being literally next to a bar. Drink service to the poker room is as fast and as frequent as a puppy begging for treats, though with marginally less drool.

As we settled in at our table, two friendly guys in their early 20s introduced themselves as Mark and Simon (alas, no Theodore or Alvin joined the fun). We quickly learned two things about our new friends: a) they were English, and b) they were utterly trashed. The second fun fact was soon explained as they proceeded to order round after round of kamikaze shots for the table.

As their intoxication increased, so did our English friends' propensity to spew chips. They were also spewing the F-bomb nearly every other sentence. One dealer resorted to "fining" them $1 tip for every F-bomb, but that hardly slowed them down.

Although the Brits were drunken yahoos, most of the table didn't mind, partially because they were friendly and amusing, but mostly because they were terrible poker players. It was a classic example of not tapping the clown fish tank. Their friendliness may have crossed some boundaries, like when Mark rubbed my head and said, "I like your skull, Darrell.". (FYI, my name is not in the same ballpark as "Darrell"). A little later, Mark hugged a new arrival to the table, who was apparently too serious a player to play nicely with the table donkeys; angry words were exchanged, and I thought a fight might ensue.

Against this backdrop, ensuing events seem inevitable. I was sitting in the 9 seat, and Mark was on my right in the 8 seat. I noticed he was "going south" rather literally, taking a few chips every hand and dropping them into his lap or onto the floor, apparently to preserve some cash to buy booze and a cab ride. Now, I didn't really mind, because Simon kept asking Mark for chips, and Mark kept giving him chips from his lap stash. They both were hemorrhaging chips, so who was I to rat them out?

Around this point, Mark starts getting really friendly, high-fiving and hitting me in the shoulder every pot I won, or every joke I made, or just whenever some imaginary ball of yarn amused him. I folded a hand, turned away from the table, then turned back just in time to see a blur as Mark jumped into me and tackled me to the floor! I have no idea what he was thinking, but apparently he had decided we were good friends who needed to wrestle. The poker manager came rushing over, but I waved him off, telling him Mark was just messing around (he and Simon still had chips to lose!). The floor appeared skeptical, but issued a "final warning" and let things drop. Oh, and my supposed best bud Santa didn't even so much as say, "No, stop, don't do that" to defend me. I hope he gets attacked by a drunk Euro sometime, then we'll see how funny he finds it!

The Mark & Simon Show came to its inevitable yet amusing conclusion in short order. Despite the "final warning", the F-Bombs continued to fly freely. Eventually, a pit boss from the casino floor came over:

Pit Boss: "I can hear you way over in the pits. If you don't stop using the F-Word, I'll have to ask you to leave."

Simon: "How about the C-Word? Can we use the C-Word?"

Pit Boss: "No, you can't."

Mark: "What if we're talking about your mum?"

Pit Boss: "Security!"

Mark and Simon left on a friendly note, shaking hands all around and nearly starting a fight with an rather overly familiar hug to the player who had made it clear earlier he liked personal boundaries. I've always wondered what happened to these lovable English poker hooligans ...


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IMOP Memories: The Sherminator

NOTE: A detailed description of the Ironman of Poker (IMOP) can be found in the pages linked under the blog header.

One of my favorite IMOP moments occurred on my first trip, IMOP-II. I had been invited by college roomie Santa Claus to the inaugural IMOP, but I had declined because I was not yet a full-fledged poker degenerate. After reading Santa's trip report, however, I realized how empty my life would be without some official poker hijinks. And mojitos.

We were based out of the Venetian, which was still a brand new room looking for its niche on the Vegas poker scene. It seemed like their goal was to fill 30+ tables with drunk trust fund d-bags. Looks like they have succeeded. Probably the last successful poker marketing scheme that didn't rely on Tiffany Michele's ta-tas (or ta-tas in general).

Early in the trip, Santa had run into a d-bag who looked just like the nerd from "American Pie". In a moment of inspiration, Santa nicknamed him "The Sherminator". Brilliant.

The Sherminator was an early 20s d-bag who thought he was cooler than he was, better looking than he was, and a better poker player than he was. Which put him in the same category as 75% of the after-Tao poker crowd. The Sherminator loved to chatter non-stop about his poker play and how good he was (in his own world, at least). He loved to say, "I play the player, not the cards," usually after making a trivially standard play. What distinguished The Sherminator from the d-bag horde, however, was his outrageous nerdishness, displayed in his pre-Hevad Khan era celebration of winning a big pot by standing up, putting his hands together over his head, and yelling, "I am the Highlander!" Santa wanted to felt The Sherminator as much as OJ wanted to find his ex-wife's real murderers. Hmmm, well maybe more like as much as Wile E. Coyote wanted to catch the Road Runner--and with about as much luck, given The Sherminator's off the charts SVB skills enabling him to run hotter than Betelgeuse.

Until I stepped in with my uber-SVB skills. Santa and I were playing our last long overnight session at the Venetian, looking for courtesy chips from the bottle service boys fresh off a night of clubbing. I had run up a nice stack but Santa was struggling to get any traction. Suddenly, The Sherminator materializes at our table! Game on.

The Sherminator actually played fairly well, which he was happy to point out for our benefit. He had built up a nice stack when the poker gods decided to teach a little lesson in the perils of hubris.

I was on the button. The game was playing loose-stupid, so there were a couple of limpers to Santa who put in a healthy raise; to those paying attention, he clearly had a premium hand, but the Red Bull-vodka crew at our table were as perceptive as Mr. Magoo. I glance over at Shermy who is clearly excited, either by his cards, or by the fact that the cocktail waitress called him "honey". Since I have bullets in my pocket, I decide it's a good time for an ambush, and silky-smooth call.

Shermy hollywoods a bit, then makes a "please play" raise. Santa decides he wants to join the reindeer games and pushes all-in for ~$250 total. I decide it's time to put my hard-earned image to good use, and I pull out a "Mad Hatter" hat--it was at least a foot high, made of red felt with black stripes and card suits sewn on. I pull on this so-funny-it's-cool monstrosity, look right at Shermy, and say, "Let's make this easy. I'm all-in, too."

Shermy goes nuts! He has over $600 total, but I have him covered. He also knows Santa and I are friends who have been making outrageous plays all night (well, I've been harassing Santa with annoyance plays to win Ironman tilt points, but the table didn't know that part of the dynamics). Shermy stands up and tanks hard. "This can't be happening! There's no way this is happening again!" Shermy is clearly in anguish, obviously holding Kings and dreading Aces.

That's when Santa makes a brilliant play. He looks Shermy dead in the eye and says, "I play the player, not the cards." That taunt must have hit home, as Shermy snap calls. He looks at Santa and says, "You have aces?" Santa shakes his head and rolls over Queens. Shermy looks happy and rolls his Kings. That's when I roll my Aces. Shermy looks like someone kicked his puppy: "Twice in one day! Twice!" Gee bud, sucks when variance catches up to ya, huh?

As Shermy whined on, the dealer put out the board. Shermy starts calling for a King like a wife trying to get her husband to do chores during the Super Bowl. Junky cards hit the flop and turn, but the river was paint: a Queen! Santa steals my pot to get healthy, while I took the side pot for a decent profit myself.

Shermy? He whined some more, then stormed out of the poker room, looking for an ATM. Funny thing--he came back to the room, but found a different table. Apparently the kiddie game was across the room.

Next time we see the Sherminator, I'll lay even money he's either crying while busting out of the WSOP Main Event, or an Internet millionaire looking for love (and to get to third base) on "The Bachelor".


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Let the Hijinks & Lowjinks Begin

The home Internet is out for the second day (thanks, Mediacom), so no pithy or insightful blog post for y'all today. Which is too bad, as I had a great post about Zoroastrian influences on Jewish eschatology all set to thrill and inspire the masses. Oh well!

In any event, I am less than 20 hours from touchdown in Vegas for IMOP-V. Wednesday night I will be hanging with other early arrivers including Santa, Lucky, and River Joe. Thursday night marks official IMOP kickoff, with a pledge test and hazing of the newbies as we welcome them to the IMOP brotherhood. Santa and I are planning to hit up Hard Rock Thursday night pre-opening ceremonies for the PLG/NLHE mix game and maybe dinner at Nobu.

I will attempt a few posts from the road, but your regularly scheduled blogging will be on hiatus until the IMOP World Curling Championship concludes.

(Can't wait to see how many Google searches for "Zoroastrian Curling Eschatology" land here!)


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

IMOP-V: Git Yer Programs Here!

As some of you may have noticed, I have added some new pages to the blog to provide Ironman of Poker (IMOP) information. By popular demand, we now offer around the clock access to general IMOP information, Ironman bios, and details about the upcoming IMOP-V.

IMOP-V: A Wolfpack of 12 kicks off next Thursday, March 4.  Check out the IMOP-V page for tournaments, events, scoring, and a first-ever behind the scenes look into the infamous Ironman Prop Bet sheet.

A couple of tilt-a-riffic events worth noting:

2/4 War:  One member from each team will play 2/4 LHE using the "no check, no call" rule.  It's non-stop action with mandatory bet/raise/fold options.  Sure to tilt some nits.

"I Put You On Aces":  Bonus points for saying this to someone while stacking a $100+ pot.  (I may have suggested this one to Santa ...).

No IMOP in history has carried this great a risk of physical violence (Santa has set odds at 15/1 on the official prop bet sheet).  Hilarity is guaranteed to ensue, or double your money back!

The Ironman Inviteth

Navin R. Johnson:  The new phone book's here! The new phone book's here!

Harry Hartounian:  Boy, I wish I could get that excited about nothing.

Navin R. Johnson:  Nothing? Are you kidding? Page 73 - Johnson, Navin R.! I'm somebody now! Millions of people look at this book everyday! This is the kind of spontaneous publicity - your name in print - that makes people. I'm in print! Things are going to start happening to me now.

Sniper [points to Navin's name in the phone book]:  Johnson, Navin R... sounds like a typical bastard.

--The Jerk

Friday was an exciting day for the Ironman of Poker (IMOP) crew, as official invites arrived via cruise director Santa Claus’ secret email account. The IMOP-V crew is officially set, giving us our official theme—“A Wolfpack of 12”. Pledge names have been assigned to the newbies—Colt, Fat Jesus, River Joe, Baby Carlos, and Mr. Chow.

We are already booked in Rialto View Suites at the Venetian, taking advantage of the scandalously low, insider-trading level poker room rate. Santa Claus correctly describes these accommodations as “1,100 square feet of pure awesomeness.” Somehow the six hours per day of mandatory poker play doesn’t seem all that challenging of a hurdle.

Returning events this year include the four NLHE tourneys we will play as a group, though the Sahara has fallen out of the rotation for the first time ever (much to the joy of Ironman “Sahara” who has made this request four straight years). This year’s IMOP-sanctioned tourneys will be held at Planet Hollywood, TI, Mirage, and Aria. Fittingly, the Mirage is a nod to IMOP history, as it has not been on the calendar since IMOP-I, while Aria is the new kid on the poker block, providing temporal symmetry to events (not that we really care). Also returning will be the ugly jacket dinner, this year at Nob Hill in MGM. As three time and only champion ever, I am a prohibitive favorite to win this event. In case you scoff, here are my entries from the past two years (with a cameo from Sahara himself in last year’s picture):

First they didn't have the bamboo umbrellas for the drinks, and now snails on the plate!

New events this year include the first ever team competition, with three teams headed by the three all-time IMOP champions. We will also be having a pledge hazing event, involving a quiz about IMOP history and The Hangover. Losers will be required to play the opening tourney wearing interesting outfits, shall we say.

One of our IMOP newbies—Pledge Colt (so-named as the doppelganger for some Longhorn who had a bad day against a Boy Named Ndamukong Suh)—already has regaled the IMOP crew with a worthy IMOP-pregame poker story from a weekend trip by several of the IMOP home game crew to Riverside Casino:

The good news—I got to see a royal flush beat aces full of kings on a board of Ac, 10c, Ad, Kd, Kc.

Yep—the bad beat jackpot at our table.

“Why was this anything less than a positive experience for you, Colt?”—you might ask. Well, I’ll tell you.

After returning from taking a leak and sitting back down—I watched the hand play out—even commenting that the river card (King of clubs) had the making for a bad beat jackpot to those around me. Once the cards were flipped over; we went nuts—and then later found out you had to be DEALT in the hand to be eligible for 25% of the jackpot ($55,000).

So—that piss cost me $2300.

With that said—if I were actually in the hand—the beat would have never happened and Fat Jesus wouldn’t have free-rolled his entire IMOP trip (yes—[Pledge Fat Jesus] was dealt in that hand).

I vow to take no leaks this entire trip.

If this story is an IMOP omen, events this March will indeed be the highest and jinkiest ever!

I'm a jerk. I once had wealth, power, and the love of a beautiful woman. Now I only have two things: my friends and, uh, my thermos.

And hopefully the IMOP Champion's Bling!

Poker with the Joker

One of my fellow Ironman of Poker (IMOP) running mates was in town last night, so we played a short session of 1/2 NLHE at the Meadows ATM while watching the Vikings-Saints NFC Championship game.* I had one of those frustrating sessions where I always seemed to be out of step—bluffing into the guys who can’t lay down middle pair, then failing to make a river bet against the guys who had a weak hand or missed draw. I wish I could say I was card dead, but I had AA three times (all small pot wins), KK three times (two small pot wins, one medium pot loss), QQ once (small pot win), and JJ/TT three times (all small pot losses). Of the four monster pots I was involved in, I won one with a great call, and lost the other three to draws that hit after the money (or the bulk of it) went in. I ended up down 1.5 buy-ins, but thankfully that was well-covered by my shrewd sports investments.

The poker game, although not profitable, did have a high #hilarityensues quotient. Early on I won a nice pot when I had AKo in the BB. I flop Broadway, but the board is all clubs and I don’t have one. There is a pot-size bet, and two of us call. Turn is 9d, small bet, followed by push all-in. I think a bit, and since I know this guy, I figure he has either the Kc or 9c, but is not made yet. I push over the top to get last player to fold, as I put him on a set or baby flush. He indeed shows 6c5c and mucks. Other guy in fact has KcQs. River is 6s, and I am off to a good start.


About this time my buddy, Barbie (@IMOPbarbie), arrives. Barbie’s style of play is best described as “demented-aggressive”. He is the “Joker” of poker players (the Jack Nicholson incarnation). Barbie’s pet hand is 63 (he calls it “the Spanish Inquisition”), but honestly, he’d raise with the proverbial Tarot card and napkin if he was bored (i.e., had folded before the river two hands in a row). On our last IMOP, he ran over two Scandis to the tune of at least $2K in profit, and left both rolled up in the fetal position sucking their thumbs after trying to figure out what had happened. He’s also the (former) owner of Fuzzy Puppy (a trained attack dog / card protector), who mysteriously disappeared at the last IMOP home game. Oh, and I drafted him (Barbie, not Fuzzy Puppy) for my team for this year’s IMOP. I mean, if the guy can pull off the epic “Meat Tank” prop bet (which required him to go all-in at a cash game at TI, then pull out and eat a leftover BBQ pork rib), why wouldn’t you want him on your team?

Barbie taking candy from Scandis at Planet Hollywood.

Barbie performing the Meat Tank at TI.

Anyway, I have a stack of ~$500 and I’m feeling good. Then, I run into a cooler. My nemesis at the table—let’s call him “Mr. Chow”—limps in MP. I find JsTs OTB, so I raise, and Mr. Chow calls along with a couple of others. Flop is a gorgeous Qs9s7h. Checks to me, so I bet around 3/4 pot, Mr. Chow calls, and another guy calls. Turn is the 8d—Donkey Kong! Checks to me, so I make a half pot bet. Mr. Chow calls. River is the 7s. Mr. Chow pushes for about half the pot. I hate it, but I make the call. Sure enough, I was rivered by … Ks6s. Ouch. I still have a nice stack, though, and I build it back up some when I run into Barbie. I end up stacking off to him with AK for TPTK when he flops bottom pair with J6o … and turns the J. Fun times. Rebuy!

I get some money back when I take a nice pot off of Uber-Nit by cracking his QQ with 9c8s—running clubs got there, of course. But, I then get KK OTB and have to give up on the turn when the board is four hearts and has the Ah to boot. In one of my favorite moments, I stack an uber-whiner when I call his flop all-in with QTs—I had a gutterball, backdoor flush draw, and it felt like my Q and T were both live overs. Sure enough, he has 99. The turn is the gin card—9h—making his set and my straight. Ahhh, much better!

At some point, I end up with one of the weirdest monster hands ever. I find KK again, raise to $12, get one caller. Flop is KQQ—not too bad, I guess. I slowplay it, and we go check-check. Turn is the case K—Donkey Kong! We go check-check again. River is … another Q! Now I’m hoping my opponent has AQ, since that would qualify us for the badbeat jackpot. I bet $20 and he instamucks. I end up winning a whopping $12 post-rake. Talk about bad beats …

In the meantime, Barbie is putting most of the table on tilt, showing down outrageous bluff after ridiculous play. He had people laying down two pair to his J-high or bottom pair over and over. At one point, Barbie four barrels at a final board that is Q-high with four clubs and a deuce. The river bet is $40ish, and the other guy (Mr. Chow) tanks. After a bit, Mr. Chow says, "I think we have the same hand," and shows AK with no club. Mr. Chow agonizes some more, and finally calls. Barbie says, "Good hand. Nice call." and rolls over J2o with no club. Barbie starts chattering about how he had to fire at the river, and what a good call Mr. Chow made, goes on and on. Barbie didn't realize he had won until the pot was hitting his stack! Hilarity definitely ensued. I think Barbie needs one of those pocket cheat cheet cards with poker hand rankings for IMOP.

Not long after, a guy next to Barbie bets $200 on the river into Mr. Chow’s cousin, for a monsterpotten of over $700. Mr. Chow’s cousin agonizes for over four minutes, muttering the entire time. Suddenly he stands up and points at Barbie and says, “Why couldn’t it be YOU?!? I call you!” He eventually folds two pair, and goes on mega-tilt when he’s shown a bluff with a busted flush draw. Whatever poker disease Barbie has, it’s clearly contagious.

Only six more weeks until Barbie and I hit Vegas for IMOP. I can’t wait to see if this is the year Barbie is finally assaulted by a crazed Euro-donk. One can only dream.

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* This session again proved that it is a major leak to play poker while your favorite football team is on TV in a big game. At least three Vikings fans busted out, and another sat next to me and screamed at the TV repeatedly, until his Viking-tilt led him to donk off upwards of $800.

The Ironman Planneth

Plans for IMOP-V are quickly setting up like lime Jello around mixed fruit. For those of you not in the know, the Ironman of Poker (IMOP) is an annual early March outing for a group of Iowa degenerates who enjoy hitting Vegas for an extended weekend of poker, drinking, sports-investing, and general degeneracy. This will be the 5th annual outing, and will have as its theme something derivative of The Hangover. Most of the regular events are certain to return, including the ugly jacket dinner, tilting Euro D-Bags, and outlandish prop bets. You can read about last year’s adventures—including the infamous Meat Tank—in the official trip reports, posted as always on All Vegas Poker (IMOP-IV Part I; Part 2).


The big twist this year is the addition of a team competition, made possible by five, count ‘em, five newbies/pledges who were so enthralled by the IMOP trip reports, they just couldn’t possibly live without joining in the hijinks this year. The teams will be captained by the only three living IMOP champions—Santa Claus (IMOP cruise director and reigning IMOP champ), Lucky (our token leprechaun and inaugural IMOP champ), and yours truly (the only two-time and back2back champion). The captains drafted their teams at Santa’s New Years’ poker game:

Team Cowbell
Captain—Grange95
Barbie—Cash game degenerate, perpetrator of the Meat Tank
Sahara—Tournament assassin, vampire, “White Doug”
Pledge “Jim”—2/4 LHE poker-drinker and sports investor

Team Tyson’s TigersCaptain—Santa Claus
Pledge “Yaks”—Designated rookie nit
Pledge “River Joe”—Tournament specialist and suckout artist
Pledge “ATC”—Designated Scandinavian degenerate

Team Floories
Captain—Lucky
Bonnie—Designated drinker and Lucky’s bodyguard
DIA—Team nit and Bonnie’s keeper
Pledge “Colt”—Hopefully recovered from football injury by March

In years past, wacky hijinks have included:

* Tilting Scandis & Mother-F’n Ukrainians
* Being tackled at the poker table by a drunk Brit
* The “Meat Tank”
* Finger rapes at the Fashion Mall
* Bonnie losing a battle to the sheets
* Tilting of Uber-D-Bag “Sherminator”
* Water being thrown in crotches

Once again, our adventures will be based out of the Venetian, but may extend any distance an Ironman is able to drunkenly stumble. Santa is expected to release the official list of sanctioned events and prop bets in the near future, so watch this space for more details as the magical date* approaches!

* IMOP-V officially runs Thursday, March 4 through Monday, March 8, but yours truly and a couple of other degenerates will enjoy a preseason outing on Wednesday, March 3.