September 05, 2010

On the Feet of Babes—
Huskers' Offense Roars Back to Life

It's my favorite time of year—football season.  I grew up in the cult of the Huskers, loving the Blackshirts and the option attack, loathing the Oklahoma Sooners, laughing at the occasional upstart wannabes (looking at you, Kansas St. Mildcats and Colorado Heffalumps), and dreading every bowl game against a team from Florida.  Agonizingly close, last second losses in National Championship games in the Orange Bowl to the Miami Hurricanes and Florida St. Seminoles to end dominating runs in the 1983 and 1993 seasons were two of the lowest moments of my sportsfandom, but they only made the eventual run of national titles in 1994, 1995, and 1997 all the sweeter (particularly with the first two wins coming over the hated Hurricanes and the overhyped Florida Gators).

As the Huskers enter the third year of the Pelini-era, there are high expectations for the season following a season with a Big XII North title, coming within a second of beating Texas in the Big XII Championship game, and a crushing defeat of Arizona in the Holiday Bowl.  Although the defense lost the once-in-a-generation dominating talent of Ndamukong Suh, the biggest question entering the season was whether the offense—a comedy of ineptitude and self-inflicted errors last year—could step up to the level needed to be a national title contender.

After yesterday's season-opening win over Western Kentucky, it appears that question has been answered with a qualified "yes".  Redshirt freshman quarterback Taylor Martinez electrified the crowd with 3 TDs and over 100 yards rushing, as well as a decent passing performance.  "T-Magic" looks ready to live up to his hype; his first TD run of 46 yards during his first drive as the Husker QB brought back memories of the incomparable "Touchdown" Tommie Frazier.  Sophomore running back Rex Burkhead looks ready to build on his solid freshman year, showing speed and shiftiness in several long runs and a TD of his own. 

Of course, the qualification is that Western Kentucky is basically early season cannon fodder, scheduled to let the Huskers work out the kinks before facing better teams, while giving the home fans (and big donors) a victory to celebrate.  The first real test comes in two weeks, when the Huskers travel to Washington to face a decent Pac-10 team with a QB, Jake Locker, who is being hyped as a Heisman Trophy candidate and surefire early NFL draft pick.  I think the Huskers come out of that game with a win, as Washington is simply a pretty average team with an elite QB.  The real test for the Huskers will come mid-season, when a three game stretch will test the Huskers—Texas at home, Oklahoma St. on the road, and Missouri at home.  The Texas game will be a grudge rematch of last year's conference title game, with some conference realignment undertones in the background.  Oklahoma St. has a ton of talent, and has built a competitive program (with the help of a few hundred million bucks from its sugar daddy, T. Boone Pickens).  Missouri is the only other viable Big XII North contender, and is loaded on offense.  How the Huskers come through that three-game stretch will define their season.  Win all three, and a national title shot is possible (with the caveat that Texas A&M and presumably Oklahoma in the Big XII title game would remain as serious roadblocks).  Lose one, and the Big XII title and a BCS bowl are still possible.  Lose two or all three ... well, let's not contemplate that ugly scenario.

For now, all is sunshine and roses in Huskerland.  Hopefully the Huskers fix the leaks in the defense before Washington.  But for now, every Husker fan should raise a glass of champagne to T-Magic and T-Rex, potentially the Huskers' best dynamic duo since Tommie Frazier-Ahman Green, or even Turner Gill-Mike Rozier.  Should be a fun team to watch this season!

The Huskers' five national championship trophies
(1971, 1972, 1994, 1995, 1997).

September 04, 2010

Labor Day PSA / Riverside Poker Emporium & Donk-A-Rama Trip Report

I made a run over to the Riverside Poker Emporium & Donk-A-Rama last night, to meet up with fellow Ironmen Santa Claus and River Joe.  On the drive over (mostly on I-80), I encountered fairly heavy traffic, likely due to the confluence of the Iowa Hawkeyes' first home game today, and the Labor Day holiday.  There was a lot of rather reckless driving, so because I love my readers and want you around to stack off to me for years to come, please be careful this weekend if you are out on the roads:
  • Don't be the slowpoke driver in the left lane who causes traffic to pile up for several miles while you fail to pass.  Large groups of cars moving at high speeds with frustrated drivers who are likely following too closely and focused too much on you rather than the car in front of them are a recipe for disaster.  Yes, you may be entirely within your rights to drive in the left lane, and yes, those folks behind you should settle down and maybe not violate the speed limit so flagrantly, but driving isn't about being right or teaching folks about traffic laws, it's about everyone making it to their destination safely.  So, please pass or get over.
  • If you are immediately behind a slowpoke driver, keep a reasonable distance between your cars.  Tailgating is an incredibly dangerous way to tell someone to speed it up, particularly at highway speeds, and especially when there are cars or trucks next to you in the right hand lane.
  • If you are further back in a line of vehicles waiting for a slowpoke to pass, tailgating is even more dangerous and less useful in resolving the situation.  Chill out.  It can be frustrating, but you are likely still moving along at 60+ mph, so the actual delay to your travels is likely less than 5 minutes.
  • If you are coming up on a rolling traffic jam caused by a slowpoke, do not pass the passing line on the right and then try to cut into the passing lane ahead of the folks already in line.  This is likely the most dangerous thing I saw yesterday, with cars repeatedly trying to squeeze into the passing lane, which pissed off drivers who were already in line, who in turn tried to prevent the line cut by speeding up to tailgate even more tightly.  Folks, nobody wins in a high speed game of chicken.  Please wait your turn.  But if someone is rude and tries to cut in line, back off and let them cut.  Even though you're right to be annoyed, there's no need to be dead right.
  • Finally, if you pass a slowpoke, there is absolutely no reason to "teach them a lesson" by passing them, then moving in front of the slowpoke in his lane and hitting the brakes.  I saw this incredibly reckless maneuver at least three times, and I'm baffled by what the driver felt s/he was accomplishing while putting a lot of folks in danger.  You've passed the slowpoke.  Time to drive on at your preferred speed.
I can't say I'm completely innocent of all of these practices.  I get annoyed at slowpokes, and probably tailgate way more frequently than I should.  But let me tell ya, working on a number of lawsuits involving bad motor vehicle accidents, seeing photos of mangled cars and gruesome injuries, and reading medical records and autopsy reports, can really drive home the horrific tragedies that result merely because a couple of drivers were more concerned with driving their way than being considerate of other drivers sharing the road.  Just as an example, I'm currently working on a case involving a three semi-truck collision, where one driver died on impact, one driver died after suffering horrific burns, and the third driver (who was not at all at fault) walked away with minor injuries, but has such severe PTSD that he likely will never drive a truck again.

So please, if you are on the roads this weekend, drive safely. 

* * * * *

The poker session itself was rather pedestrian.  I managed to donk off three buy-ins due to the dreaded combination of #runbad and #playbad.  As an example of my #runbad, we were playing short-handed, so I called on the button with 9d3d.  Flop was Jd-9s-3c.  Donkey Kong!  I get it all-in with another guy for about $150 each.  He shows J5.  Excellent.  Turn is ... 5d.  OK, I still have redraws.  River is a black Ten.  I no longer had redraws.  As an example of my #playbad, I was up against the table uber-LAG who had been luckboxing weird two pairs and unlikely straights all night, but also showing off a lot of big two and three barrel bluffs.  I flopped top pair with JT, and check-called the flop and turn, figuring he would fold to a raise, but would keep firing all day with air.  River was a King, and he put out a suspiciously large bet.  I had a feeling he just caught up, but it was a huge pot, so I made the crying call ... and he rolled the King, natch.  Just a terribly stupid play on my part, getting greedy by not raising earlier in the hand, and then paying off the river.  There were tons of other examples of both #runbad and #playbad, but I won't bore y'all or depress myself by rehashing them here.  Bygones.

Despite the hit to my bankroll, I did enjoy seeing Santa Claus and River Joe, who were really the only two entertaining guys at the table, except for the Uber-SVB.  This guy hit at least four full houses and two additional sets in roughly 30 minutes, and got paid off on every hand.  It got to the point where the table was (half) jokingly guessing which set he flopped every hand.

I also had the pleasure of meeting a crAAKKer reader, Ryan, a/k/a "CRM114FGD135" on Twitter and AVP (yo dude, buy a vowel).  Ryan also knew Santa Claus from the IMOP trip reports, and claimed to have learned a lot from my poker strategy posts.  I can only presume he meant he plays exactly the opposite of my style, since he seems fairly bright and also managed to walk out with a rack of red chips from the 1/2 NLHE game.  I vaguely remember doing that once upon a time ....

September 03, 2010

Washington Supreme Court Torpedoes Betcha.com in Online Gaming Appeal—
Bad Omen for Rousso Poker Appeal?

Yesterday, the Washington state supreme court handed down its ruling in the Betcha.com appeal.  The unanimous decision held that the Betcha.com business model—in which the site provides a place for individuals to propose and accept wagers on sports, entertainment, or other current events—in fact violated Washington's prohibition against bookmaking, and consequently also violated related statutes barring transmission of gambling information and the maintenance of gambling records.  Betcha.com sought to avoid the state's broad ban on "professional gambling" by a gimmick—site users had no obligation to pay losing wagers, and could "welch" on bets (though doing so incurred an eBay-like negative rating).  In fact, Betcha.com founder Nick Jenkins described his site as an "eBay for gamblers".

Since I began following the Rousso online poker appeal which is also being considered by the Washington supreme court, I have subscribed to the court's news service to keep track of decisions as they are entered.  An interesting observation is that the Washington supreme court regularly hands down splintered opinions, with dissents and (to a lesser degree) concurrences being quite common.  (Dissents disagree with the majority's reasoning and the result of the case, while a concurrence agrees with the result of the majority opinion, but disagrees with the analytical approach of the majority opinion, or wants to indicate a limited endorsement of the majority's decision.)  The fact that the Betcha.com decision was unanimous is a strong indication of the court's rejection of Betcha.com's reading of the law.

Digging into the decision, the court sidesteps the issue of whether Betcha.com's "welching" gimmick was enough to remove the site's method of wagering from the statutory definition of "gambling", instead finding that Betcha.com was engaged in "bookmaking", which was sufficient to make Betcha.com's business model illegal "professional gambling".  Although the parties (and the public) often expect courts to resolve every issue raised on an appeal, it is routine for courts to write decisions based on the narrowest possible grounds.  So, even though the court did not decide whether a "welching" option would remove a wager from the statutory gambling prohibition, nothing in the court's decision endorses such an interpretation.

Turning to the bookmaking analysis, the court correctly notes that their analysis is driven by interpretation of the relevant statute (RCW 9.46.0213):
“Bookmaking,” as used in this chapter, means accepting bets, upon the outcome of future contingent events, as a business or in which the bettor is charged a fee or “vigorish” for the opportunity to place a bet.

The court's analysis seems rather straightforward:

Accepting a bet may involve taking a position on wagers placed by bettors, but it may also simply include charging users a fee to bet with each other. Although Betcha did not take a position on the bets listed on its web site, it did charge its users a fee for the opportunity to place bets with others.  Betcha's entire business model was based on charging fees from those wishing to bet on its web site. Users meeting specific criteria were allowed to send bets to Betcha, which would post them on its web site for a fee.  Betcha charged fees "for the opportunity to place a bet."  It was unambiguously engaged in "bookmaking" as that term is defined under the gambling act.

Now Betcha.com's argument was based on a different, and rather tortured interpretation of the same bookmaking statute.  Jenkins has posted a rather lengthy critique of the court's decision on his personal blog*, and I'll let you wade through his argument, which has a whiff of the old Clintonian, "Depends what the meaning of 'is' is."  But after considering Jenkins' argument, ask yourself whether the bookmaking statute is really at all unclear.  The way I read the statute is (my edits in red):

“Bookmaking,” as used in this chapter, means accepting bets, upon the outcome of future contingent events: a) as a business, or b) in which the bettor is charged a fee or “vigorish” for the opportunity to place a bet.

To be even more clear, we can get rid of the self-referential clause to see the heart of the definition (my changes again in red):

“Bookmaking” ... means accepting bets, upon the outcome of future contingent events: a) as a business, or b) in which the bettor is charged a fee or “vigorish” for the opportunity to place a bet.

So, to be engaged in "bookmaking" one must first accept bets.  Next, those bets must be based on "the outcome of future contingent events".  So, a bet on the outome of tomorrow's game between the Nebraska Huskers and the Western Kentucky Wildcats would qualify, while a bet with a friend as to who is correct about the Huskers' bowl game record the past decade would not qualify.

Now, once a qualifying bet has been made, a person has engaged in bookmaking if one took the bet either "as a business" or if one "charged a fee or 'vigorish' for the opportunity to place the bet" (the use of the disjunctive "or" by the legislature is generally interpreted by the courts to imply that there are two alternatives, either one of which is sufficient for a violation of the statute).  I'm quite puzzled by Betcha.com's argument that bookmaking requires the bookmaker to take a position on the wager since that requirement does not appear in the second alternative listed by the statute.  For example, a group of friends puts together a college football pool, where they make bets against each other on various games.  Wins and losses are tracked on a computer spreadsheet by one member, but no player takes a fee.  This is not bookmaking, since it is neither being operated as a business, nor is a fee being charged.  But, if one of the friends holds the money for the wagers, and takes a fee (perhaps a percentage of the wager, or a flat fee per wager or for the entire season) for his record-keeping and wager payment efforts, then that friend is "bookmaking" even if he isn't doing so as a business, and even if he is not a party to some or even most of the wagers.

It is certainly a time-honored criminal defense tactic to find a loophole in a criminal statute:

By far the most exciting part of a defense lawyer’s practice is parsing the words of a criminal statute to uncover its latent ambiguity.  Nothing, not an impassioned plea for the life of the accused, not a cross-examination that reduces the government’s lead witness to tears, comes close to the excitement that comes from demonstrating the lawfulness of a defendant’s conduct from the placement of an adverb in a sentence.  Few realize the spark that inspired many of the giants of our profession occurred during those sessions at the black board (def. antecedent of white boards involving the use of chalk against a slate surface) in elementary school where sentences were de-constructed under the admiring gaze of our classmates.  Little did we know that our facility with parallel and vertical lines identifying the subject from the predicate and showing which clauses modified which phrases would become so valuable later in our professional lives.

Amazingly, there are still lawyers practicing who fail appreciate the beauty of the poorly drafted statute; who eschew examination of the crime charged, failing to appreciate the obfuscation that led their client astray. ...

—Jon May, "Statutory Construction:  Not For The Timid", Champion Magazine (Jan./Feb. 2006).

However, as a practical matter, courts will adopt the clearest and most straightforward reading of a statute whenever possible, and will usually interpret a statute consistently with the general understanding of the statute's ultimate objective.  Here, if Betcha.com's interpretation were adopted, then ordinary bookmakers could avoid criminal liability under the statute simply by not taking a position on any bet, but rather merely accepting bets they could match against another bettor taking the opposite side, even if the bookmaker were charging a "vigorish" for his services (which might well include rather aggressive collection practices).  But, the legislature clearly intended ordinary bookmakers to be included in this statutory prohibition, and drafted the statute broadly to prevent bookmakers from engaging in such attempts to sidestep the statutory prohibition.

Jenkins also complains that the court ignored the question of whether the bets involved had to themselves be "illegal gambling" as a predicate for a bookmaking offense.  In other words, if the bookmaker were taking legal wagers, could he nonetheless be engaged in illegal bookmaking?  The court determined the legality of the underlying wager was irrelevant to the question of whether bookmaking occurred.  This makes sense in light of the statutory language (the bookmaking statute requires only a bet, not an illegal bet), and in terms of practical application.  The bookmaking statute isn't directed at the wagering activity itself, rather its purpose is to punish those who seek to profit on wagers made by other people.  The legislature could have reasoned that preventing illegal gambling would be easier if there were specific prohibitions against bookmakers, regardless of whether they were profiting on legal or illegal wagers.  The purpose, then, of the bookmaking prohibition is to prevent the professionalization of gambling.  Adopting Betcha.com's interpretation of the statute would permit unregulated individuals and businesses to run gambling operations for profit, without any regard for state regulations to ensure fairness and prohibit the influence of criminal elements.  With that practical implication running headlong into the traditional understanding of bookmaking, is there any wonder the court found Betcha.com to be in violation of the law?

So, what, if anything, does the Betcha.com ruling mean for the Rousso online poker appeal which the Washington supreme court has yet to rule on?  First, the fact that the Rousso decision has not yet been issued might be related solely to the schedule of the judge writing the majority opinion; some judges write more quickly than others.  Or, the relative delay might indicate there are dissenting and/or concurring opinions being prepared; in those cases, the judges often review drafts of the other judges' opinions, and modify their opinion to address issues raised by the other judges.  As for the nature of the Rousso ruling, the Betcha.com decision really offers us little in terms of meaningful tea leaves to read.  The oral arguments on the two cases left me thinking that Betcha.com would be a resounding victory for the state, while the same assistant attorney general ran into greater resistance from the court during the Rousso argument; so the Betcha.com decision doesn't change my impression of the relative strengths of the cases. 

On the negative side, Betcha.com does reflect the court's willingness to read the gambling statute liberally as a prohibition on illegal gambling, as well as implying a degree of deference by the court to the legislature in the arena of gambling, which is not helpful to those challenging the statute.  But, perhaps the most significant implication of the Betcha.com ruling is that, although Betcha.com and Rousso deal with different sections of the illegal gambling statute, Betcha.com is the Washington supreme court's first application of a long-established gambling statute to a modern online gaming business.  The court's rejection of the Betcha.com online gambling business model is a rather ominous sign for those advocating that online poker sites—which obviously involve gambling—are immune from Washington's gaming laws.  In short, although Betcha.com shouldn't be read as a bellwether of doom for Rousso, it sure as heck isn't good news for online poker.

---------------------------------------------------------
* Jenkins' critique is more of a sour grapes diatribe about the perceived stupidity of the court for failing to rule in his favor, particularly since he (surprise!) found his position to be unquestionably correct.  Now, as an attorney, I can name a handful of cases I've handled where I still scratch my head over the court's ultimate ruling.  But I would never say that the court failed to take my argument seriously, that the judges failed to read my briefs, or that the judges were stupid for not agreeing with my brilliant argument.  The Washington supreme court has nine judges with pretty solid credentials, who are supported by a small army of law clerks and staff attorneys.  There is absolutely no way that the judges didn't fully comprehend Betcha.com's argument.  Sometimes, judges just aren't buying what we lawyers are selling.

ADDENDUM (6 September 2010):  Jenkins has now posted a "watered-down version" of his diatribe, though the original remains posted as well.  Perhaps the softer version is intended for republication elsewhere to a wider audience where it might garner attention from the Washington bar, who presumably aren't terribly excited about over the top criticism of judges by attorneys (Jenkins has a law degree, though it does not appear he is a practicing attorney).  In any event, the new version of Jenkins' post really breaks no new ground in terms of analysis or criticism.

Weird Night at the Meadows ATM

Posting has been a bit light this week as I had that annoying "work" thing to deal with in advance of a long holiday weekend, and the start of football season.  I had a good chuckle, though, when one of my law partners walked into my office to talk fantasy football.  I'm manager for a league that's been around for 15 years now, and it has the usual 5 or so guys who are passionate about it, and another 9 guys who just like to meet for beer and wings every now and then.  Anyway, I had sent an email to the league last week setting the draft date and location.  Kelly had emailed me back withing 10 minutes:  "I'll be there."  Then, yesterday, he asks me again when the draft will be held.  I remind him of the date, and he says, "Oh.  Well, we [he and his wife] feed the homeless on Thursdays.  Guess I'll need to find someone to draft for me."  Now, I'm somewhat boggled by how his charitable activities escaped him when he initially confirmed he'd attend the draft, but I'm equally intrigued by the possibilities of this line being a useful way to avoid social activities I despise, but can't find a good way to avoid.  Rubber chicken awards dinner?  Sorry, feeding the homeless.  Retirement reception?  Wish I could, but I'm working the soup kitchen.  Hmmm, it even makes the other person feel slightly guilty for attempting to impose on your time in the first place.  Awesome!

Anyway, late afternoon I was talking to an expert witness when Ironman Bonnie starts twittering that he was in Des Moines for biz and wanted a Meadows ATM outing.  I wrapped things up and headed out.  After a short wait, we both got seats in the same new 1/2 NLHE cash game.  It's hard to do justice to that game, but let's just say statistical variance was in full effect, as bad play was constantly rewarded with weird two pairs, gutterball draws, runner-runners, and backdoor flushes happening repeatedly.  Bonnie was playing his usual LAG style, so we had the table in a frenzy in short order:
  • Bonnie felted a guy when his 52o ("the Sahara") flopped bajos dos pairs and rivered a canoe.
  • Bonnie turned pocket ducks into quads against me (stupid SVB!).
  • Bonnie gifted me $75 when he mucked his bluff with the best hand on the river, letting my 44 win.  And he wasn't even drunk!  I may buy him a steak sometime.  Maybe.
  • I got a little revenge for the quad ducks, bluffing Bonnie off QQ with a palindromic near-all-in bet of $232, leaving myself $1 for a river bluff.
  • Bonnie hung around a hand with 32o, going runner-runner 54 for the idiot straight.  When he led out for a big river bet, and finally got called, I named his hand before he rolled it to tilt his victim.  Classic Bonnie.
  • I ran bad for a while, getting down to my last $80 on my third buy-in, but I rallied to get back to even before I cashed out, starting when my Spanish Inquisition used fear, surprise, and a fanatical devotion to a flopped straight to torture out a quadruple-up.
  • My Groundhog Day hand du jour was AQ.  I had that hand easily two dozen times in an eight hour session.  I probably lost over $1000 with it, misplaying it every way possible, before getting a little back in a $350 pot when my TPTK held up versus two draws.  I would have made a monster profit if I had merely mucked AQ preflop all night.
AVPer "zzjitterzz" was at the Meadows ATM for the Thursday tourney, and ended up taking third, apparently eschewing my final table advice to "Play better."  Maybe next time he'll listen to me.

Also, there were a couple of "Grumpy" moments.  Early on, a gentleman joined the game who clearly was something of a newbie.  Newbie sat next to legendary uber-nit Fred.  Newbie and I get into a hand, and my 8h6h flops a flush draw with gutterball.  I check-raise Newbie, who calls.  Turn makes my straight open-ended, so I pushed, in large part because Newbie seemed reluctant to call the flop.  Newbie thought a long time, then called off his last $75 or so.  I turned over my cards and say, "I just have the big draw."  Newbie looks at my cards, but doesn't say anything.  River is a blank, and I'm left with 8-high.  Newbie is staring at his hand, says, "I missed", and looks about to muck, when Fred helpfully pipes up, "Well, you have Queen-high."  Newbie looks back at my hand, then tables his Q6s (for a missed straight draw, natch).  Gee thanks, Fred.  Next time, stick to walking old ladies across the slot machine aisles.

The other annoying moment was late in the session when a young guy joined our table while waiting for a seat in the 3/6 LHE game.  He lost a buy-in, then got involved in a multi-way raised pot.  I called in late position with JTo, and the flop obligingly came down K-Q-9 rainbow.  Pac-Man!  Long story short, I bet, Young Guy raises, I push, Young Guy calls all-in for about $150 total.  Young Guy, who clearly fancied himself a player, says, "I got ya".  I rarely roll my cards on an all-in, but I do when I have the nuts or something close to it.  So, I tabled my hand and said, "I don't think so.  I've got the nuts for now."  Young Guy stands up and starts chanting, "pair the board, pair the board", so I figure he has a set.  Turn is another 9, and Young Guy goes all Hevad Khan, slams his hand down, and yells, "Ship it!!", then starts pacing behind the table in triumph until he gets pushed the pot.  Seriously dude, it was a pretty average pot in a 1/2 NL game, not the final table of a WSOP tourney or a monster pot on High Stakes Poker.  Act like you've won a hand before.  Thankfully, Young Guy busted out in the next two orbits; "Vengeance is ours!", sayeth the poker gods.

August 30, 2010

Master of Yaks

End of passion play, crumbling away,
I'm your source of self-destruction.
Veins that pump with fear, sucking dark is clear,
Leading on your death's construction.

Taste me you will see,
More is all you need.
Dedicated to
How I'm killing you.

Come crawling faster.
Obey your Master.
Your life burns faster.
Obey your Master.
Master!

Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings,
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams.
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing.
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream.
Master!
Master!

—"Master of Puppets", by Metallica

I've long been a huge Metallica fan, and have been to more of their concerts (five) than any other band.  I first got hooked when their first video, for "One", debuted during my early college days.  Of course, this led me to explore their earlier albums, and what song is more quintessentially Metallica than "Master of Puppets"?  I suppose some would argue for the ubiquitous "Enter Sandman", but in my view, "Sad But True" was the best song off the Black Album.  Of course, if we're talking best Metallica song, I might lean toward "Fade to Black" off Ride the Lightning or "Sanitarium" off Master of Puppets.  If you need a song to rock out to when angry, to chill out with when down, or to pump you up on a long run, Metallica has plenty of music that will fit the bill.

In any event, the classic Metallica song "Master of Puppets" might as well be called "The Call of the Yaks" considering the feelings of anger and despair that often accompany playing pocket Yaks.  As the saying goes, "There are three ways to play pocket Jacks; all of them wrong."  Frankly, I've probably found more than three ways to misplay Yaks over the years, often using three misplays in a single session.  But yesterday, at the Meadows, I finally discovered how to play Yaks.  Yes, I became the Master of Yaks.

I went to the Meadows ATM for a short session, hoping to find good action after the noon tournament.  While waiting for a spot to open, I watched the final table of the tourney.  Down to the final three players, the blinds were 5K/10K, and the chip stacks were 165K, 5K, and 5K.  Yes, the chip leader, Lori, had a 33:1:1 chip lead, with the small blind having a single 5K chip merely because he was rounded up during the chip race off that occurred when they went to three-handed play.  The two short stacks were immediately all-in, then heads up play began.  Lori got her money in as a huge favorite but lost with Q4s vs. 54o, Q8 vs. 85, and KQ vs. 62.  In the first two hands, her opponent rivered a 5, while in the third hand, he flopped a duck.  Finally, on Hand #4 of heads up, with the stacks nearly equal (95K to 80K), Lori ran her AcQc into 66, and despite not hitting a pair, a flush, or a straight, still won the tourney after finding a double-paired board to counterfeit the pocket 6s:  K-T-T-K-4.  Amazing showing by Lori, one of the nicest regulars at the Meadows, albeit a tough player.

About a half hour later, I finally get a spot on one of the 1/2 NLHE tables.  I posted in behind the button.  Then, three hands later, there is a straddle and a call to me in middle position.  I find Commie Yaks, and decide to limp, expecting a raise from the straddler, and planning to reraise.  Instead, the player on my left pops it to $17.  Surprise!  Even more surprising, there were five callers to me.  Hmmmm, repop squeeze play?  Call and set mine?  The initial raiser had a pretty tight range for that raise, say {AA-99, AK, AQs}, so I wasn't thrilled about maybe walking into a big hand.  Also, there were a couple of gamblers among the callers, so who knows if a squeeze play would work?  I finally opted to set mine, to lower my risk of a big hit to my stack, while still fairly certain to get paid off big if I hit the flop. 

Alrighty then, seven of us see the flop with ~$120 already in the pot.  The flop came out Js-7c-6c.  Donkey Kong!  It checked to me, and I checked as well, certain there would be a bet.  Sure enough, the preflop raiser made it $35 to go, and there were two callers to me.  The pot was getting huge, and the board was draw heavy, so I just went ahead and pushed for ~$275 total.  The preflop raiser agonized, then called, the next two guys folded, and the final guy called.  The turn was the Kh.  Preflop raiser pushed all-in for another $100, and seemed really happy.  Ruh roh, Rooby!  Did someone just hit a bigger set?  Inquiring minds want to know!  The river was a non-club Ten.  Groovy, AcQc just got there.  How lovely.  But no, preflop raiser rolls over AcKc, while the other guy shows ... 54 offsuit?!?!   Pac Man!  The pot was ~$980 to me, giving me a triple up on my first orbit.

And that, dear readers, is how to play Yaks.

Yak with Mt. Everest in background (image source).

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POSTSCRIPT:  OK, in the interests of full disclosure, I did donk back some of the chips, mostly on one hand where a table maniac and I each flopped Kings up, only he had the better second pair.  I also got run down in a couple of hands, but still carted home a full buy-in profit. 

Unfortunately, I didn't play nearly as well Friday night in a home game with, among others, Ironman Mr. Chow, who channeled his inner crasian to run down my KK with QTo, flopping J-9-x, and turning his six-outer to the straight, at which point I promptly spewed my entire stack to him drawing dead.  Eh, maybe I'll make Cowboys the next hand I master.  I can see it now—Master of Cowboys—a blended sequel to Rounders and Brokeback Mountain.  There will need to be a Tom Dwan cameo, obviously, and maybe an appearance by Zed and the Gimp ...