February 02, 2010

Return of the crAAKKer Effect

The queens we use would not excite you.

--Murray Head, "One Night in Bangkok"
I played a short session at the Meadows ATM Sunday evening. The game was very tight-passive, and it was hard to get any traction. I deliberately played LAG, but could get no action on my AA or flopped set of Kings. My least favorite hand (KQ) flopped bajos dos pairs, I get it all-in vs. a short stack for $80 each, he shows A-rag ... and it goes running J-T for the Broadway chop. Eventually, though, I manage to stack off when I flopped altos dos pairs with T9, turn tens full, and lose to a better tens full when an Ace hits the river. Sometimes, this game is a lot of fun. This session was not one of those moments.

The game was also incredibly boring, with several regular nits in the game after busting out of the tournament. So, I pulled out the new iTouch (Christmas gift from the sig other) and watched Ocean's 11 and Ocean's 13—best gift ever. Midway through the second movie, a young kid walks in and is sent to my table with $100 in chips. Three of the nits had all just racked up, so the Kid can pick from three spots—one on my immediate left, or two at the other end of the table. Of course, he chooses to sit by me. Clearly, this will not end well for the Kid.

Kid posts in, but seems uncomfortable with chips. The next hand, he tries to post in again—looks like we have a live play newbie. Kid settles in and folds for a couple of orbits. Finally, Kid raises in EP to $8, on the small side for the table. several callers, but I fold my junky BB—Kid clearly has a hand. Flop is Ace-rag-rag. Kid bets $20, gets one caller, a scruffy and slightly crazy looking dude. Turn is another Ace. Kid bets $30, Scruffy calls. River is another Ace. Kid goes all-in for ~$45. Scruffy pauses, then calls. Kid rolls over QQ. Scruffy pauses, then rolls over A3o, obv. Kid looks like someone just kicked his puppy.

Kid stands up, dealer asks if he wants his seat locked up. This is sort of like a horror flick where someone asks the hot chick if she wouldn't mind splitting off from the group, and maybe taking a solo shower to boot. I can see it happening in slow motion ... Kid standing and thinking, Kid pulling ATM card out of wallet, dealer pointing to ATM machine in hall, Kid nodding, dealer throwing out the "reserved" button ... The tragic end is already written, and who am I to interfere with the will of the poker gods?  I go back to watching Brad Pitt and George Clooney exchanging snappy dialogue.

Kid returns with $150, posts back in. Kid folds to prefop raise. False alarm, but the clock is ticking. More hands get dealt, Kid continues to fold. Eerie music begins to play in the background (or maybe it was just the Grammys). Kid finally open raises, this time to $10. He gets a couple of callers. Flop is Q-T-8, rainbow. Checks to Kid, he bets ... and there is a raise! Kid pushes all-in! There is a call! Kid shows QQ again (what, my brilliant foreshadowing didn't already tip you off?). His opponent shows ... J9o (c'mon, you knew villain was hiding under the bed with this hand, didn't you?). Turn and river are blanks, and Kid exits stage left, looking like the nut straight had been a kick straight to his nuts.

My "crAAKKer effect" powers have grown to include coolering pocket Queens. You have been warned.


  1. The crAAKKer powers kick in even when you aren't in the hand? That's truly scary.

  2. Glenn,

    My mere presence at the table warps the laws of probability, sort of like a Hitchiker's Guide to the Galaxy "Infinite Improbability Drive". My best guess is it's a quantum mechanics thing. When someone gets AA/KK (or now QQ), the cards that are destined to hit the board change to match the hand(s) of the opponent(s) who are up against the AA/KK/QQ hand.

  3. What is the effect on Yaks when you are around?

  4. BWoP,

    Yaks are the single most powerful random force for losing known in the universe. My powers only serve to make their losses more bizarre and improbable than normal.