January 20, 2010

Advanced Poker-Drinking:
Rule I—Drink!

Why just get drunk in Vegas, when you can get paid to get drunk in Vegas?

We rejoin the discussion of poker-drinking, already in progress ...

Rule I:  Every dollar saved on booze at the poker table is a dollar earned.

My research and analysis has enabled me to isolate several factors that bore a positive correlation to poker-drinking profits. Surprisingly, the relative “hotness” of the wait staff, a factor long held to be an essential part of the Vegas poker-drinking scene, actually had no impact on actual drinking profits. Instead, I was able to narrow the relevant variables to the following: a) drinking rate (DR); b) value of booze consumed (VBC); and c) poker playing costs (PC). Using these variables, a serious poker-drinker can maximize his “expected drinking value” (EDV) by finding poker rooms and games that offer high positive EDV and avoiding rooms and games that offer negative EDV. The exact mathematical formula for calculating EDV is:

EDV = (DR * VBC) – PC

where EDV is expressed in dollars per hour, DR is expressed in drinks per hour, VBC is expressed in dollars per drink, and PC is expressed in dollars per hour.

Well, that’s a pretty scientific looking formula and everything, but at this point, the typical poker-drinker is thinking, “I’m hung-over, and I spent high school math class staring at the cheerleader in the third row. If I could figure pot odds, I’d be raking in the cash and babes playing online poker in my boxers. How am I supposed to use this brilliant formula without a bloody mary? Excuse me, I need to go hit on that cocktail waitress.”

The beauty of the EDV formula is that it allows us to analyze how to maximize EDV. By looking at each factor individually, we can determine how to apply the formula to real life situations, resulting in a profitable poker-drinking experience. Intrigued? Well, pour yourself a drink and settle in for an explanation on maximizing your poker-drinking EDV, which will begin with our next post:

Advanced Poker-Drinking:  Rule II—Drink Faster!

Coming soon to a theatre near you!

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