Personal Poker Terms & Phrases

Over the years of playing poker, I've developed a few terms that have stuck with me and my friends when I talk about poker. So, to avoid any failures to communicate, here are a few terms I'll be using in my blog (many more after the jump):

Canoe—A small full house (i.e., a small boat).  Generally something like 5s full of 3s.

Catamaran—A full house made with unpaired hole cards, e.g., 87 in the hole, 8-8-7-x-x on board.  So named because catamarans are boats with twin hulls.

ET—An uber-calling station, incapable of folding bottom pair or better. Origin—"ET phone home!" Usage ex.—"Santa Claus is a gray-haired, Zima-drinking, sorghum-swilling ET."

Fat Stripper hands—Hands that make you limp, and you won't pay $20 to see more or play further. Good examples of Fat Stripper hands are JT, pocket ducks, and 86s.

Hilarity ensues OR #hilarityensues—Not my original phrase, it has been used in pop culture for some time. Its origins are in TV sitcom synopses where some weird circumstances align, and the viewer is promised a rollicking good time which is rarely delivered (e.g., "Bubba accidentally gives moonshine to Baby Jessica before her first day of kindergarten. Hilarity ensues."). I've adopted the phrase as my ironic Twitter hashtag to denote situations where I snap off someone's big hand with something rather improbable, causing the loser to go on tilt and maybe even berate or assault me. Usage ex.--"Just snapped AA with 53s. Flopped the wheel. Dodging chips. #hilarityensues".

#mybad—Another ironic Twitter hashtag, used when I am berated by some player for winning a pot after making what they consider to be a bad play. Me, I'm results-oriented.

Pot Limit Gamboool / PLG — My name for Pot Limit Omaha (PLO). 'Nuff said.

Statistical Variance Box / SVB—The proper term for a player known coloquially as a "luckbox". As far too many poker "experts" have pontificated, there is no such thing as "luck"; rather, mathematically speaking, there is only "statistical variance" (or "variance" for short). "SVB" is an easy to use acronym to throw out at the table, and is also a little more discrete if you want to insult someone but not have them understand what you mean. Usage ex.—"Ironman Barbie is the world's biggest SVB ... and a d-bag."

Spousal Variance—That portion of a poker bankroll that is spent, directly or indirectly, by or for a spouse or significant other in order to play poker (i.e., to get a "spouse pass"). Examples include: spa sessions, shopping sessions, gifts, home renovations, and straight cash payments. Spousal variance also includes the extra cost of a joint Vegas trip vs. a solo trip--better lodging, better meals, etc. Spousal variance is always -EV (when was the last time your spouse gave you money to play poker?).

Yaks—Pocket Jacks. Viewing this hand causes headache, nausea, vomiting (yakking), cold sweats, nervous tremors, night terrors, and occasional syncope, paralysis, and/or nervous breakdown; truly this is the hand designed by Cthulhu himself. The gates of Hades are no longer guarded by Cerberus, the three-headed dog with a mane of live serpents and the tail of a dragon. No, the entrance to Hell is now guarded by two fire-breathing agents of doom—a pair of Yaks. Yak exposure can have a cumulative effect over time; for poker players with numerous past encounters with Yaks, even gazing on Yaks can lead to instantaneous insanity. Usage ex.—"Yaks suck Donkey balls."