Advanced Poker-Drinking: Rule II—Drink Faster!

Why just get drunk in Vegas, when you can get paid to get drunk in Vegas?

We rejoin the discussion of poker-drinking, already in progress ...

Rule II: The faster you drink, the more money you make. Conversely, nursing a drink is like burning money.

In the poker-drinking expected drinking value (EDV) formula, drinking rate (DR) is a positive variable, meaning that, as DR increases, so does EDV. Further, DR has a multiplicative effect on another positive variable, value of booze consumed (VBC). So, increasing your DR has a synergistic effect in increasing your EDV.

How do you increase your DR in real life? First, drink faster! You can’t get drink number 2 until drink number 1 is finished, nor can you get drink number 26 until you finish drinks 1-25.

Second, look for poker rooms with numerous cocktail waitresses who are quick to get refills. A poker-drinking binge is not the time to find a room with one or two “hot” waitresses who spend most of their shift sucking up to the high rollers and ignoring you at your baby game table (more on how you got to that table later). Instead, choose the room with the hard-boiled veteran servers with the big hair and obvious plastic surgery who are five years and 50 pounds from being Starr Jones or Rosie O’Donnell who know that hustle gets tips. Looks don’t pay the drinking bills! Every minute that you spend at the table without a drink is a minute that is lowering your EDV, and literally sucking money out of your drinking bankroll.

But drinking faster is only one piece of the poker-drinking puzzle. To truly maximize your poker-drinking profits, you must channel your inner drinking diva. How? Well, freshen up your drink and prepare yourself for our next post:

Advanced Poker-Drinking: Rule III—Drink Better!

Coming soon to a theatre near you!