I only have two major hobbies—running and poker. Both are good ways to unwind. Both can be fun. Both can be challenging. Both can kick you in the nuts.
But, which one is the superior hobby? Let's break it down.
Nutrition
Poker: Pizza.
Running: Gu gel.
Winner: Poker. And don't get me started about pizza-flavored gels.
Financial Leaks
Poker: Tournament entry fees. Bad bluffs. Sports wagers.
Running: Race entry fees. Travel expenses. Shoes.
Winner: Running. At least you still have shoes.
Health Risks
Poker: Back pain. High blood pressure. Depression. Assaults.
Running: Knee injuries. Blisters. Chafing. Bear attacks.
Winner: Running. #TeamGrizzly
Poker: Red Bull. Beer. Captain & Coke.
Running: Gatorade. Chocolate milk. Pickle juice.
Winner: Poker. Even when you add in the tip.
Attire
Poker: Hoodie. Headphones. Sunglasses.
Running: Neon-colored shorts. Headphones. Sunglasses.
Winner: There are no winners here.
Embarrassing Moments
Poker: Misreading a hand. Bluffing into the nuts.
Running: Bloody nipples. Runner's trots.
Winner: Poker. In a gawddamn landslide.
Bad Beat Stories
Poker: "I had a huge stack on the bubble of this WSOP tourney. I had pocket Kings, flopped a set, and got it all in versus the chipleader. He had Aces and went runner-runner for a flush."
Running: "My shoelace came untied, so I had to stop and retie it. I missed qualifying for Boston by 30 seconds."
Winner: Running. Dante really should have devoted an entire level of Hell to poker players who tell bad beat stories.
Inspirational Movies
Poker: Rounders. Maverick. The Cincinnati Kid.
Running: Chariots of Fire. Prefontaine. Forrest Gump.
Winner: Five great flicks, plus that Tom Hanks dud. Rounders captures the seedy, degenerate side of poker, while Forrest Gump is like a box of chocolate gel packs. Poker with the easy win.
Soundtrack
Poker: "Poker Face"—Lady Gaga. "Ace of Spades"—Motörhead. "The Gambler"—Kenny Rogers.
Running: "Running Down a Dream"—Tom Petty. "Born to Run"—Bruce Springsteen. "Run Like Hell"—Pink Floyd.
Winner: Usually a lineup of Petty, Floyd, and The Boss would cruise to victory. But Lemmy makes this a draw.
Amateur Aspiration
Poker: Cash in a WSOP event.
Running: Qualify for the Boston Marathon.
Winner: Running. Your family and co-workers have actually heard of the Boston Marathon.
Worst Aspect
Poker: Playing Limit Omaha-8.
Running: Running up a mountain.
Winner: Running. Both are agonizing, but with running you have a great view and a legitimate shot at dying as an exit strategy.
Conclusion
There you have it. The analysis is irrefutable. Running is slightly superior to poker.
And running is freaking stupid.
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| Mt. Evans Ascent—June 2015 |
