Running v. Poker—Heads Up for Rollz

I'm a simple guy. I go to work. I come home. I walk the dog. I watch some TV. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.

I only have two major hobbies—running and poker. Both are good ways to unwind. Both can be fun. Both can be challenging. Both can kick you in the nuts.

But, which one is the superior hobby? Let's break it down.


Nutrition

Poker:  Pizza.

Running:  Gu gel.

Winner:  Poker. And don't get me started about pizza-flavored gels.


Financial Leaks

Poker:  Tournament entry fees. Bad bluffs. Sports wagers.

Running:  Race entry fees. Travel expenses. Shoes.

Winner:  Running. At least you still have shoes.


Health Risks

Poker:  Back pain. High blood pressure. Depression. Assaults.

Running:  Knee injuries. Blisters. Chafing. Bear attacks.

Winner:  Running. #TeamGrizzly

Free Beverages

Poker:  Red Bull. Beer. Captain & Coke.

Running:  Gatorade. Chocolate milk. Pickle juice.

Winner:  Poker. Even when you add in the tip.


Attire

Poker:  Hoodie. Headphones. Sunglasses.

Running:  Neon-colored shorts. Headphones. Sunglasses.

Winner:  There are no winners here.


Embarrassing Moments

Poker:  Misreading a hand. Bluffing into the nuts.

Running:  Bloody nipples. Runner's trots.

Winner:  Poker. In a gawddamn landslide.


Bad Beat Stories

Poker:  "I had a huge stack on the bubble of this WSOP tourney. I had pocket Kings, flopped a set, and got it all in versus the chipleader. He had Aces and went runner-runner for a flush."

Running:  "My shoelace came untied, so I had to stop and retie it. I missed qualifying for Boston by 30 seconds."

Winner:  Running. Dante really should have devoted an entire level of Hell to poker players who tell bad beat stories.


Inspirational Movies

Poker:  Rounders. Maverick. The Cincinnati Kid.

Running:  Chariots of Fire. Prefontaine. Forrest Gump.

Winner:  Five great flicks, plus that Tom Hanks dud. Rounders captures the seedy, degenerate side of poker, while Forrest Gump is like a box of chocolate gel packs. Poker with the easy win.


Soundtrack

Poker:  "Poker Face"—Lady Gaga. "Ace of Spades"—Motörhead. "The Gambler"—Kenny Rogers.

Running:  "Running Down a Dream"—Tom Petty. "Born to Run"—Bruce Springsteen. "Run Like Hell"—Pink Floyd.

Winner:  Usually a lineup of Petty, Floyd, and The Boss would cruise to victory. But Lemmy makes this a draw.


Amateur Aspiration

Poker:  Cash in a WSOP event.

Running:  Qualify for the Boston Marathon.

Winner:  Running. Your family and co-workers have actually heard of the Boston Marathon.


Worst Aspect

Poker:  Playing Limit Omaha-8.

Running:  Running up a mountain.

Winner:  Running. Both are agonizing, but with running you have a great view and a legitimate shot at dying as an exit strategy.


Conclusion

There you have it. The analysis is irrefutable. Running is slightly superior to poker.

And running is freaking stupid.

Mt. Evans Ascent—June 2015

Woody Allen Plays The English Patient

Elaine Benes:  [quietly]  No. I can't do this any more. I can't. It's too long.

Elaine Benes:  [yells]  Quit telling your stupid story about the stupid desert, and just die already! DIE!

J. Peterman:  [surprised]  Elaine, you don't like the movie?

Elaine Benes:  [shouts]  I hate it!

[the audience shushes Elaine]

Elaine Benes:  [shouts back]  Oh, go to hell!

Seinfeld, "The English Patient"

This morning, I had a Seinfeldian "English Patient" moment.  I was catching up on my stockpile of overnight Twitteramblings, when I ran across this pair of Tweets from the Poker Grump:

Reminds me of Woody Allen's "I am pointing a gub at you." http://johnrlott.blogspot.com/2010/08/something-for-dumb-criminal-file.html

I can't imagine any of my friends don't know the Woody Allen reference, but just in case:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-UHOgkDbVqc

Ruh roh, Raggy!  I felt after my last couple of Vegas trips, I had broken into the 9th level of Grump friendship—bad poker players who somehow amuse rather than annoy him.  But obviously I am not "Grump-worthy".  Why not?  Because I hate Woody Allen films.

I know, I know, most people and film critics (there is little overlap in the two groups) seem to love-love-love Woody Allen films.  I just don't get what is supposedly so funny about his work.  Most of the time, his movie scenes strike me as Saturday Night Live skits with a bigger budget.  Most of his movies seem like they were funnier in theory than in execution, where the writers and actors roll on the floor laughing at themselves, while the audience gives a wan smile and waits for someone to deliver the humor.  The few scenes that do have some comedic potential are heavy-handedly beaten into the dirt; Exhibit A is the scene referenced by the Grump, which is about twice as long as necessary, killing the humor after a promising start.  Frankly, that scene seems a lot closer on the comedy scale to an SNL Night at the Roxbury sketch than the fart scene from Blazing Saddles. 

Now, although I enjoy movies and movie quotes, I am absolutely unqualified to be a movie critic.  All I know is what movies I enjoy, because they make me laugh, cry, or escape (or all of the above).  Looking over lists of all-time "great" movies and TV shows, I happen to like most of the ones that generally get listed.  Many of the listed shows I truly love, while some get a meh response, where I won't turn the channel if they're on, but I won't go out of my way to record them either. 

For some reason, though, I seem to be out of sync with most folks on at least a few widely-loved movies and TV shows.  It's not just the wooden Woody Allen oeuvre.  Forrest Gump makes me want to tear the little remaining hair from my skull.  It's a Wonderful Life, wasn't.  Everybody Loves Raymond, except me.  Two and a Half Men, That 70s Show, and Married ... with Children; grating, mind-numbing, and soul-sucking (mix and match at your leisure).  Oh, and Elaine was totally right about The English Patient.  When faced with casual chatter about this pop cultural dreck, a paraphrase of the old Sam Kinison joke leaps to mind:  I don't condone censorship, but I understand it.

So, faithful readers?  What popular and/or critically acclaimed movies and TV shows make you want to gouge out your eyeballs with a vuvuzela?  Share your entertainment hell lineup in the comments!
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Here's the infamous Seinfeld "The English Patient" scene; preach it, Elaine!