Wine & Whine O' the Week (v. 1.13)—Nobody Expects the crAAKKer!

NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition!  Our chief weapon is surprise.  Surprise and fear.  Fear and surprise.  Our two weapons are fear and surprise.  And ruthless efficiency.  Our three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency.  And an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope.  Our four ... no.  Amongst our weapons ... amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, surprise .... I'll come in again.

—Cardinal Ximinez (Michael Palin) in "Monty Python's Flying Circus"

This week, I played a wild session at the Meadows ATM.  At one point, a young kid sits down to my right.  He's a regular at the Meadows, decent player, generally has a tight and moderately aggressive style of play.  He had built up a stack of nearly $300 from a $100 buy-in after a couple of hours, mostly by raising preflop and taking it down with a flop c-bet. 

The fateful hand started innocuously, but don't they always?  There were several limpers to the Kid, who raised to $17.  Fair enough.  Then, I look down and see 6-3 offsuit.  Now, this hand may seem like trashy rags to many poker players, but as the Ironmen of Poker know, this hand is actually the incredibly powerful "Spanish Inquisition".  It acquired its name during IMOP-IV when Ironman Barbie drew 6-3 as his "signature hand" and used it to great effect, felting at least a dozen players and nearly causing two international incidents (though that might be more directly attributable to his taunting ... er, "witty banter").  While stacking his victims' chips, Barbie would cackle, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"  It's a wonder Barbie hasn't been beaten about the head and neck with blunt objects.

Anyway, back to the crAAKKer hand.  So, I have the Spanish Inquisition.  Clearly, I must call.  Everyone else folds, perhaps sensing the hidden strength of my hand.  It can be tough to hide the excitement of seeing the Spanish Inquisition, so I may have given off a tell or three.  Anyway, the flop comes down 9-3-3.  Donkey Kong!  Seriously, were you expecting anything less?  This is the Inquisition, man!  Kid bets $25, I make the Hollywood smoooooooth call.  Turn is a 7.  Kid bets $45, I again "ponder" my play and smoooooth call.  River is a duck.  Kid checks; about time he showed some respect!  I quick-bet $75, representing the busted flush draw, and Kid snap-calls.  I say, "I just have a three" and smile as the Kid's head snaps back in shock!  Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!  The kid flashes Kings, keeps shaking his head, starts muttering, then looks directly at me:


Kid:  "How could you make that call?" 

Me:  "I flopped trips."

Kid:  "No.  Preflop.  I don't understand how you make that call."

Me:  [grinning while silently stacking chips]

Kid:  "Seriously, I don't get how you make that call ... I raised!"

Me:  "I know."

[cue monkey tilt table change]


Spain produces more than Inquisitions, including some great summertime wines from the Rías Baixas wine country in the Galicia region.  These wines are based on the Albariño grape, and typically result in crisp, light, fruity wines, perfect for pairing with seafood, salads, tapas, and light pasta dishes.  A personal favorite is the Bodegas Martín Códax Albariño 2009 (always get the newest vintage as Albariño is generally made to be drunk young when it is at its freshest).  This wine is like biting into a crisp green apple with undertones of citrus and honeydew melon.  Perfect for sipping on a hot day, when most Chardonnays would be too heavy and alcoholic.  The next time you reach for yet another thin, insipid Pinot Grigio, think Albariño instead for a crisper, more flavorful wine at half the price (most Albariños are in the $8-$15 per bottle range, with the Martín Códax coming in around $12).

Here's the classic Monty Python "Spanish Inquisition" skit:

Dogs & Cats Straddling Together

A couple of nights ago, fellow Ironman Barbie texted me to tempt me into a session at the Meadows ATM.  Regrettably, I had actual work to do, and couldn't get away on short notice.  However, hilarity ensued as Barbie dusted off his uber-maniac schtick and tried to roll the midweek nits.  I knew I was missing out on a fun session when Barbie twittered this gem:

At Prairie Meadows but no Grange95. Table just tried to pay for Fred's straddle so I could post a pic. #floordenialoffun

10:44 PM May 11th via twidroid

Now, for those of you from outside Iowa, Fred is a legend in the Iowa poker scene.  Fred is a semi-retired businessman who has been fairly successful in life.  He enjoys playing poker, and is a regular at the Meadows ATM, and gets to other Iowa and Midwestern poker rooms on occasion.  Fred is a good guy, generally friendly and talkative at the table, and never mean to anyone.  Fred is also an Uber-Nit. He only plays solid hands (usually pocket pairs and big Aces), and will fold his small blind to a limp.  Fred also has a habit of overbetting his premium hands, which leads to some legendary blowups when he suffers the inevitable suckout or bad beat.  Fred is known to talk to himself while wandering the halls after a bad beat, and curse up a blue streak when he gets snapped off.  He has also perfected the perfect nit play of hitting the 2/5 NL game and waiting to win one or two big pots, then running off to a 1/2 NL game where he is forced to squirrel away his profits and only risk a small stack the rest of the night.  If you want to needle Fred a bit, ask him how to play AQs preflop—Fred once folded that hand to a reraise, only to discover he would have hit a royal flush against a player with quads, qualifying for the fairly sizable bad beat jackpot.  Ahh, fun times!

So anyway, I had a good chuckle at the crazy notion of Fred straddling, even if the other players were putting up the money.  It reminded me of a night at Treasure Island (excuse me, "TI") during IMOP-IV when I prop bet our resident nit, JB-DIA, to straddle (the nickname stands for "diamonds in azz" referring to his ability to turn coal into diamonds with his tight play).  Apparently the influence of a half dozen caipirhanas was sufficient to loosen him up, and he not only straddled, but also raised his straddle to $45!  Turns out he had 98 sooooted, and won a big pot when he flopped two pair.  Those nutty nits!

However, Barbie wasn't finished.  After the floor put the kibosh on the table straddling for Fred, apparently he succumbed to the peer pressure himself:

Yes, chaos at PM as Fred straddles with his own money... @grange95 missed it. #catsanddogsetcetc.. http://twitgoo.com/veujq

11:42 PM May 11th via twidroid

And with the Tweet was this photographic evidence of a nit in the wild, straddling:

Yessiree, right there in the gray jacket is none other than Fred, with $4 in the pot ... without having seen his cards!  Inconceivable!  Did hell freeze over?

Dr. Peter Venkman:  This city is headed for a disaster of biblical proportions.

Mayor:  What do you mean, "biblical"?

Dr Ray Stantz:  What he means is Old Testament, Mr. Mayor, real wrath of God type stuff.

Dr. Peter Venkman:  Exactly.

Dr Ray Stantz:  Fire and brimstone coming down from the skies! Rivers and seas boiling!

Dr. Egon Spengler:  Forty years of darkness! Earthquakes, volcanoes...

Winston Zeddemore:  The dead rising from the grave!

Dr. Peter Venkman:  Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together... mass hysteria!

—"Ghost Busters" (1984)

Of course, the entire scene is most likely a hoax, like the jackalope or the moon landings.  Still, it's fun to think a nit might someday, somewhere, be found straddling ...

ADDENDUM (14 May 2010):  A commenter pointed out that the picture above left is not a true jackalope, but rather is a "rabeer" (cross between a rabbit and a deer).  So, below is a picture of a jackalope:

Poker with the Joker

One of my fellow Ironman of Poker (IMOP) running mates was in town last night, so we played a short session of 1/2 NLHE at the Meadows ATM while watching the Vikings-Saints NFC Championship game.* I had one of those frustrating sessions where I always seemed to be out of step—bluffing into the guys who can’t lay down middle pair, then failing to make a river bet against the guys who had a weak hand or missed draw. I wish I could say I was card dead, but I had AA three times (all small pot wins), KK three times (two small pot wins, one medium pot loss), QQ once (small pot win), and JJ/TT three times (all small pot losses). Of the four monster pots I was involved in, I won one with a great call, and lost the other three to draws that hit after the money (or the bulk of it) went in. I ended up down 1.5 buy-ins, but thankfully that was well-covered by my shrewd sports investments.

The poker game, although not profitable, did have a high #hilarityensues quotient. Early on I won a nice pot when I had AKo in the BB. I flop Broadway, but the board is all clubs and I don’t have one. There is a pot-size bet, and two of us call. Turn is 9d, small bet, followed by push all-in. I think a bit, and since I know this guy, I figure he has either the Kc or 9c, but is not made yet. I push over the top to get last player to fold, as I put him on a set or baby flush. He indeed shows 6c5c and mucks. Other guy in fact has KcQs. River is 6s, and I am off to a good start.


About this time my buddy, Barbie (@IMOPbarbie), arrives. Barbie’s style of play is best described as “demented-aggressive”. He is the “Joker” of poker players (the Jack Nicholson incarnation). Barbie’s pet hand is 63 (he calls it “the Spanish Inquisition”), but honestly, he’d raise with the proverbial Tarot card and napkin if he was bored (i.e., had folded before the river two hands in a row). On our last IMOP, he ran over two Scandis to the tune of at least $2K in profit, and left both rolled up in the fetal position sucking their thumbs after trying to figure out what had happened. He’s also the (former) owner of Fuzzy Puppy (a trained attack dog / card protector), who mysteriously disappeared at the last IMOP home game. Oh, and I drafted him (Barbie, not Fuzzy Puppy) for my team for this year’s IMOP. I mean, if the guy can pull off the epic “Meat Tank” prop bet (which required him to go all-in at a cash game at TI, then pull out and eat a leftover BBQ pork rib), why wouldn’t you want him on your team?

Barbie taking candy from Scandis at Planet Hollywood.

Barbie performing the Meat Tank at TI.

Anyway, I have a stack of ~$500 and I’m feeling good. Then, I run into a cooler. My nemesis at the table—let’s call him “Mr. Chow”—limps in MP. I find JsTs OTB, so I raise, and Mr. Chow calls along with a couple of others. Flop is a gorgeous Qs9s7h. Checks to me, so I bet around 3/4 pot, Mr. Chow calls, and another guy calls. Turn is the 8d—Donkey Kong! Checks to me, so I make a half pot bet. Mr. Chow calls. River is the 7s. Mr. Chow pushes for about half the pot. I hate it, but I make the call. Sure enough, I was rivered by … Ks6s. Ouch. I still have a nice stack, though, and I build it back up some when I run into Barbie. I end up stacking off to him with AK for TPTK when he flops bottom pair with J6o … and turns the J. Fun times. Rebuy!

I get some money back when I take a nice pot off of Uber-Nit by cracking his QQ with 9c8s—running clubs got there, of course. But, I then get KK OTB and have to give up on the turn when the board is four hearts and has the Ah to boot. In one of my favorite moments, I stack an uber-whiner when I call his flop all-in with QTs—I had a gutterball, backdoor flush draw, and it felt like my Q and T were both live overs. Sure enough, he has 99. The turn is the gin card—9h—making his set and my straight. Ahhh, much better!

At some point, I end up with one of the weirdest monster hands ever. I find KK again, raise to $12, get one caller. Flop is KQQ—not too bad, I guess. I slowplay it, and we go check-check. Turn is the case K—Donkey Kong! We go check-check again. River is … another Q! Now I’m hoping my opponent has AQ, since that would qualify us for the badbeat jackpot. I bet $20 and he instamucks. I end up winning a whopping $12 post-rake. Talk about bad beats …

In the meantime, Barbie is putting most of the table on tilt, showing down outrageous bluff after ridiculous play. He had people laying down two pair to his J-high or bottom pair over and over. At one point, Barbie four barrels at a final board that is Q-high with four clubs and a deuce. The river bet is $40ish, and the other guy (Mr. Chow) tanks. After a bit, Mr. Chow says, "I think we have the same hand," and shows AK with no club. Mr. Chow agonizes some more, and finally calls. Barbie says, "Good hand. Nice call." and rolls over J2o with no club. Barbie starts chattering about how he had to fire at the river, and what a good call Mr. Chow made, goes on and on. Barbie didn't realize he had won until the pot was hitting his stack! Hilarity definitely ensued. I think Barbie needs one of those pocket cheat cheet cards with poker hand rankings for IMOP.

Not long after, a guy next to Barbie bets $200 on the river into Mr. Chow’s cousin, for a monsterpotten of over $700. Mr. Chow’s cousin agonizes for over four minutes, muttering the entire time. Suddenly he stands up and points at Barbie and says, “Why couldn’t it be YOU?!? I call you!” He eventually folds two pair, and goes on mega-tilt when he’s shown a bluff with a busted flush draw. Whatever poker disease Barbie has, it’s clearly contagious.

Only six more weeks until Barbie and I hit Vegas for IMOP. I can’t wait to see if this is the year Barbie is finally assaulted by a crazed Euro-donk. One can only dream.

------------------------------------------------
* This session again proved that it is a major leak to play poker while your favorite football team is on TV in a big game. At least three Vikings fans busted out, and another sat next to me and screamed at the TV repeatedly, until his Viking-tilt led him to donk off upwards of $800.