Generic Poker at Riverside

Between work and training for several road races this fall, I haven't had many opportunities to play poker. Truth be told, I haven't really made much effort to carve out time to play, either. Probably an issue for another post.

This Thanksgiving weekend, however, provided me the chance to combine a Huskers football game with a couple of nights of poker at Riverside Casino & Nit Retirement Village. First, I stopped off in Marion for a wonderful traditional Thanksgiving dinner whipped up by the wife and mother of uber-wingman Santa Claus. Santa has some great women in his life. Then I headed out for some poker.

Thursday evening, Riverside only had one cash game running, so I had to kill some time in the bar watching the late football games, sipping a beer. Not an entirely horrible turn of events. After an hour or so, I finally got a seat in the $1/$2 cash game. It was filled with a bunch of players straight from poker central casting. Grumpy Granny was there, on my left, whining about the temperature being too low and her cards being lousy. Poker Professor was in the three seat, whining about his students and how others were playing. We had two Young Dudes With Bored Girlfriends Watching Them, both of whom were predictably arrogant, terrible, and (eventually) busted. There were two Retired Almond Brokers, playing one hand every two orbits. The other three players were Interchangeable ABC Players. I was left to play the role of Jester, a role which I thankfully have plenty of experience with.

Yes, I had landed in a Generic Poker Game, where I had never played with any of the other players, yet knew precisely how they played. To say the table played ABC poker was an insult to literate poker players. This was more like Dick and Jane Poker:

See Jane check. Check Jane, check!

See Dick bet. Bet Dick, bet!

See Jane raise. Jane likes to check-raise.

See Dick fold. Dick is sad.

Given the Riverside buy-in of $60-$200, the nitty players, and the fact the standard preflop raise was $5-$8, the game played as tight as my testicles in the nasty polar wind chill of the Husker-Hawkeyes game the next day. I raised preflop with pocket pairs five times, and three times flopped sets. I managed to get paid off on one of those hands. I quickly settled into a basic strategy of only playing Top Ten hands, and not making any moves. It was more profitable to simply drink Captain and Diets, watch football, and wait for a big hand versus big hand showdown than to try to run over a table of players who wouldn't put a dollar in the pot without at least top pair.

I managed to get up $150 or so. The late NFL game ended, and I decided to play no more than another hour, knowing I had to be up early in the morning to tailgate for the Huskers-Hawkeyes game. That's when I was in early position and looked down to see the Holy Grail of poker hands.

Yes, it was the Duck Pho. Offsuit, even, to give me two flush and straight flush draws instead of merely one. Easily one of the super-elite premium hands.

I limped in, as did six other players.

Flop was Ad-3c-5c. Wheee .... llll!

Donkey Kong!

I checked, as did the other players, to the button. The button bet $15. I min-raised, expecting at least a couple of callers. Nope, everyone folded to the button, who sighed, then flashed pocket Tens and folded. I tabled my hand, and the rest of the table glared at me; clearly I had breached some sort of protocol by playing "just" deuce-four. I tried to explain that the deuce-four was a special hand made famous by one of my poker friends, but they all acted like I had tried to share a recipe for bacon-wrapped shrimp with a minyan of Orthodox Jewish rabbis. Oh well, guess they'll never know how tasty bacon-wrapped shrimp or duck pho can be.

I raked the pot, tipped the dealer, and racked up. Generic poker may be cheap, but it ain't profitable.

At least the Huskers walked away with a small profit the next day.

Bo, Beebe, and Bullsh*t

Last night, the Huskers took a brutal loss on the road at Texas A&M.  Now, although the Aggies had been playing better over the past month since replacing their starting quarterback, the Huskers were still a favorite to win the game.  Thanks to a tough Aggies defense, however, the Huskers fell, 9-6.

During and after the game, Huskers fans erupted on Twitter and fan forums to complain about the officiating (I even posted a few referee-related Tweets during the game).  The officiating controversy wasn't merely imagined by paranoid fans:

Let’s not try to pretend that the 16 penalties called against Nebraska, compared to just two for A&M, didn’t carry a disproportionate degree of impact in an even-steven and hard-fought defensive battle. Let’s not try to deny that the reality of Nebraska leaving the Big 12 didn’t loom over the proceedings at Kyle Field in College Station, Texas. Does this mean there was a conspiracy? No. Let’s nip that in the bud. However, the words “appearance (or suggestion) of impropriety” will trip from a lot of lips Sunday and Monday morning. That’s not good for Dan Beebe’s image as the commissioner of a league that might not be long for this world.

Most importantly, let’s not ignore the woeful, this-cannot-possibly-be-true nature of the roughing-the-passer penalty called on Nebraska’s Courtney Osborne (what an ironic last name, eh?) late in the fourth quarter. The hit – which was not late, and which did not hit any part of A&M quarterback Ryan Tannehill’s helmet – failed to meet any standard for a personal-foul penalty. It was as standard-issue a hit as anything seen on any gridiron in week 12. Yet, it drew a piece of yellow laundry, and it directly led to the Aggies’ game-winning field goal. It’s impossible to look at this game and not conclude that one call – a judgment call poorly arrived at and then unrevoked – decided the outcome. It’s not as though the Aggies made a good play or did anything.

—Matt Zemek, on Scout.Com

Look, the numbers don't lie.  In Big XII play, the Huskers are the most-penalized team, and the Huskers' opponents have far, far fewer penalties than the opponents of any other team in the league, leading to monstrously unbalanced penalty yardage differentials.  Throw in the lingering bitterness over the Huskers' decision to leave the Big XII (even if it was precipitated by Missouri throwing itself at the Big 10, and Texas refusing to commit to the conference on a long-term basis), and Husker fans are starting to wonder if Big XII Commissioner Dan Beebe is pulling the strings on a conspiracy of Texas schools, referees, and the Illuminati to deprive the Huskers of a Big XII title.

Such conspiracy theories are bullshit.  Beebe has never bothered to disguise that he is the personal lackey of Texas.  But what conspiracy theorists overlook is that Beebe's only concern is making as much money for the Big XII as possible, to maximize the income of his Longhorn masters.  With Texas in the tank this season, Beebe wants—no, needs—a Nebraska-Oklahoma Big XII championship game, and hopefully some way to get both teams into lucrative BCS bowl games.  With the Huskers and Sooners each taking second losses, the double-BCS scenario is most likely shot, but the teams are still on track to meet in the conference title game, which will still maximize ratings far more than would a Missouri-Oklahoma St. game.

Also, what conspiracy nuts forget is that any conspiracy would require far too many people to keep it a secret.  Further, even though I think several of the referees in the game last night (conveniently the same crew as for the Texas game earlier this season) are either too incompetent or too easily swayed to officiate at the college level, I completely refuse to accept that any referee who worked hard to get to the major college level would ever jeopardize their position by agreeing to throw games for any reason, let alone for something as petty as a conference's fit of spite over a team leaving for greener pastures.

Finally, Husker fans would do well to keep in mind a few additional points, which to my mind completely eliminate the entire conspiracy theory nonsense:

• In both the Texas and Texas A&M games, despite the questionable calls/non-calls, the Huskers still had plenty of chances to win.  Against Texas, there were at least three TD passes dropped by Husker receivers, and several Texas drives involved third-and-long plays converted because of Husker defensive breakdowns.  Against Texas A&M, the Aggies only put up nine points. If your offense can't generate 10 points in a game, stop whining about the officials; your team's problems go way deeper.
• If the conference really were out to spike the Huskers, then how do you explain the Huskers' rather dominating wins against division powers Kansas St. and Missouri?  Did someone forget to tell those reffing crews the fix was in?
• Husker fans love fiery coach Bo Pelini.  But when a coach is constantly screaming at officials, is it all that surprising that those officials start to get a little defensive, maybe look a little harder for calls to make against that coach's team, even anticipating calls?  Let's be honest, Husker fans, Pelini acted like a spoiled brat yesterday, and it wasn't the first time.  Maybe Big XII officials are fed up with his act, and since the Huskers are leaving the conference, they feel little need to worry about keeping Pelini and the Huskers happy by taking his abuse.  Pelini should spend the off-season working on his sideline demeanor, and get off on the right foot with the Big 10 referees.
• Husker fans should also recognize that, maybe, just maybe, the Huskers have caught their fair share of officiating breaks over the years.  I suspect if you talk to fans from the traditional "also-rans" of the former Big 8 and Big XII, there would be plenty of examples of games where conference powers like the Huskers, Longhorns, or Sooners got the benefit of some sketchy officiating, which coincidentally seemed to keep those teams in the rankings and the national title picture.  Sometimes, karma can boomerang.

In any event, the Huskers still control their own destiny.  If they beat Colorado on Friday, they go to the conference title game against the winner of the Oklahoma-Oklahoma St. game.  Win that game, and a BCS bowl is a lock.  So, Husker fans, it's time to let go of the conspiracy theories and give up the "woe is us" whining about officiating.  It's time to focus on enjoying the fun of college football again!

An Ode to Arrogant College Football Fans

“Nebraska is back and we’re here to stay.”

—Nebraska head football coach Bo Pelini, accepting the 2009 Holiday Bowl trophy after the Huskers thrashed Arizona, 33-0.

I've been a lifelong Husker football fan.  Or, to be more accurate, I grew up in the Husker cult.  Most of the traditional college football powerhouses have legions of hardcore fans, but Husker fans are among the elite, perhaps rivalled nationally only by fans of a handful of teams—Notre Dame, Michigan, Ohio St., Alabama, Texas, Oklahoma, and USC (Southern Cal, not South Carolina, duh).  These are teams which have been consistently among the best teams since the 1950s, and also have rabid national fan bases.  Well, OK, Notre Dame is pretty consistently mediocre, but being the designated Catholic team for a couple of generations makes up for the relative lack of production on the field. 

Fans of powerhouse teams are a different sort than fans of more mundane teams.  Fans of powerhouse teams:

• Are not satisified with just a winning season and a bowl appearance. No, they want a BCS bowl, or one of the other good bowl games (and then only in the rare "rebuilding season"). 
• Have serious debates about how their team will win the National Title every season.
• Believe that being ranked in the Top 25 is a birthright.
• Complain when their team's game is only carried on ESPN2, rather than being a featured game of the week.
• Expect their team to win most of their games simply by showing up.
• Laugh at fans of upstart teams who dare to challenge their primacy in one-sided "rivalries", sort of the way a big brother laughs at a little brother who dares to challenge him to a fight (yeah, I'm looking at you, Kansas and Missouri).  
• Measure their team's success only against other powerhouse teams ("Boise State?  Never heard of 'em.").
• Only storm the field in a conference or national title game, or against a recognized elite level rival.

For Husker fans, this weekend's game against Texas is the most important game on the regular season schedule.  In terms of team goals, the Kansas St. and Missouri games matter more, because they are in the Big XII North Division with the Huskers.  In terms of talent and degree of difficulty, the games against Missouri and Oklahoma St. might pose a greater obstacle to an undefeated season.  But Husker fans regard their team's place in the college football hierarchy as being among the elite powers, so teams the Huskers have dominated over the decades simply don't matter as much as another of the elite teams.

Of course, there are all sorts of subtextual issues in play.  The Huskers leaving the Big XII for the Big 10 after the season, after Texas refused to commit its potential TV network money to the conference and flirted with its own move to the Pac-10 conference.  The long-simmering feud with Texas over control of the conference after Texas joined the then-Big 8.  The Longhorns' defeat of the Huskers in the 1996 Big XII title game, derailing the Huskers' drive for a third straight national title.  The controversial decision to put one second back on the clock in last year's Big XII title game, allowing Texas to kick a game-winning field goal (for what it's worth, I'm one of maybe five Husker fans who think the decision—although painful—was correct). 

Of course, the modern college game has changed significantly since the 1980s and 1990s.  With TV coverage proliferating and more money coming into more programs, it's gotten tougher for the college football powerhouses to maintain their elite status.  Former conference doormats can rise up and be competitive, at least for a few years at a time.  Non-traditional programs like Utah and Boise St. can run off winning streaks and put pressure on the big boys to let them play in the BCS bowl games.  It's no surprise that a team like Texas, even with all of its financial and recruiting advantages, is facing its first three-game losing streak in decades with a loss at Nebraska, while Husker fans continue to pretend the Bill Callahan era never occurred.  So yeah, there's a lot riding on the Big Game this weekend for both Husker and Longhorn fans.  Still, fans of both teams know that they are a cut (or two) above the average football fan.

Go Big Red!

* * * * *

To celebrate arrogant football fans, as well as to preview the Huskers' move to the Big 10 next season, here are a couple of videos sent to me by a friend who is a fan of the decidedly non-elite Iowa St. CyClowns:

A Hawkeye fan is given a dose of reality by a Husker fan:





Nebraska and Michigan fans debate the 1997 National Title:

* * * * *

Of course, it's not just Longhorn and Husker fans being arrogant this weekend.  Despite their team's tumble from its perpetual lofty perch in the Top 5 over the past decade, USC fans continue to act in the proper arrogant manner befitting a powerhouse team.  For a hilarious read, check out the USC arrogance series of posts over at the Lost Angeles blog.  Just to whet your appetite, here are excerpts from the brilliant pregame and postgame posts about last week's Stanford game (a loss for USC).

From the game preview:

[Stanford celebrates] easily the dumbest mascot in the history of guys-who-can’t-get-girls-dressing-up-as-animals-because-they-can’t-make-the-football-team.  We are treated to a Trojan warrior stabbing the fifty yard line with a sword and celebrating the death blow BEFORE THE GAME (That’s so arrogant I just filled a co-worker’s Sigg bottle with vodka while they were in a meeting and patiently am waiting for the fireworks.  Even more arrogant, I made the vodka from scratch by staring at a potato and calling it a bitch).  What does Stanford get?  A creepy tree that looks like it was an arts & crafts project from a methamphetamine rehab clinic.

And from the Stanford postgame recap:

Stanford was a DOUBLE DIGIT favorite to win the game on Saturday.  Long story short, the world expected Stanford to beat us.

So what happens when Stanford squeaks out a home win over unranked USC?  THEY RUSH THE FIELD.  Seriously.  It was the most pathetic, amateur hour display I have seen outside of a pre-school talent show (and at least THOSE kids are cute).  There is a saying in sports that goes, “Act Like You’ve Been There Before”.  I know Stanford has never been “there” before (“there” meaning a perennial powerhouse in anything other than academics), but if you want to change your lineage, you need to act like you were supposed to win, especially WHEN YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WIN.  Rushing the field when you DO NOT COVER THE SPREAD is so ridiculous I bought some Stanford clothes, went into the streets of Westwood and let UCLA kids beat me up for fun (which took a really long time, totally reminded me of the part in Fight Club where everyone had trouble getting a stranger to pick a fight with them).  The official footwear of the Stanford football team is now officially clown shoes.

Side note, after the game a couple of my friends stole a Hummer Limo and took it to Mission Beach, broke into SeaWorld and dressed all the penguins in tuxedos. It was totally hilarious, especially since we brought along Morgan Freeman and he narrated the whole thing.

Zack, the creator of Lost Angeles, is also celebrating USC's super-arrogant coach—"Lane Fuckin' Kiffin"—and USC's current bowl game ban (for arrogantly violating NCAA rules) with commemorative t-shirts.  My personal favorite (which ironically could also be worn in a non-arrogant manner by my CyClown friends):

On the Feet of Babes—Huskers' Offense Roars Back to Life

It's my favorite time of year—football season.  I grew up in the cult of the Huskers, loving the Blackshirts and the option attack, loathing the Oklahoma Sooners, laughing at the occasional upstart wannabes (looking at you, Kansas St. Mildcats and Colorado Heffalumps), and dreading every bowl game against a team from Florida.  Agonizingly close, last second losses in National Championship games in the Orange Bowl to the Miami Hurricanes and Florida St. Seminoles to end dominating runs in the 1983 and 1993 seasons were two of the lowest moments of my sportsfandom, but they only made the eventual run of national titles in 1994, 1995, and 1997 all the sweeter (particularly with the first two wins coming over the hated Hurricanes and the overhyped Florida Gators).

As the Huskers enter the third year of the Pelini-era, there are high expectations for the season following a season with a Big XII North title, coming within a second of beating Texas in the Big XII Championship game, and a crushing defeat of Arizona in the Holiday Bowl.  Although the defense lost the once-in-a-generation dominating talent of Ndamukong Suh, the biggest question entering the season was whether the offense—a comedy of ineptitude and self-inflicted errors last year—could step up to the level needed to be a national title contender.

After yesterday's season-opening win over Western Kentucky, it appears that question has been answered with a qualified "yes".  Redshirt freshman quarterback Taylor Martinez electrified the crowd with 3 TDs and over 100 yards rushing, as well as a decent passing performance.  "T-Magic" looks ready to live up to his hype; his first TD run of 46 yards during his first drive as the Husker QB brought back memories of the incomparable "Touchdown" Tommie Frazier.  Sophomore running back Rex Burkhead looks ready to build on his solid freshman year, showing speed and shiftiness in several long runs and a TD of his own. 

Of course, the qualification is that Western Kentucky is basically early season cannon fodder, scheduled to let the Huskers work out the kinks before facing better teams, while giving the home fans (and big donors) a victory to celebrate.  The first real test comes in two weeks, when the Huskers travel to Washington to face a decent Pac-10 team with a QB, Jake Locker, who is being hyped as a Heisman Trophy candidate and surefire early NFL draft pick.  I think the Huskers come out of that game with a win, as Washington is simply a pretty average team with an elite QB.  The real test for the Huskers will come mid-season, when a three game stretch will test the Huskers—Texas at home, Oklahoma St. on the road, and Missouri at home.  The Texas game will be a grudge rematch of last year's conference title game, with some conference realignment undertones in the background.  Oklahoma St. has a ton of talent, and has built a competitive program (with the help of a few hundred million bucks from its sugar daddy, T. Boone Pickens).  Missouri is the only other viable Big XII North contender, and is loaded on offense.  How the Huskers come through that three-game stretch will define their season.  Win all three, and a national title shot is possible (with the caveat that Texas A&M and presumably Oklahoma in the Big XII title game would remain as serious roadblocks).  Lose one, and the Big XII title and a BCS bowl are still possible.  Lose two or all three ... well, let's not contemplate that ugly scenario.

For now, all is sunshine and roses in Huskerland.  Hopefully the Huskers fix the leaks in the defense before Washington.  But for now, every Husker fan should raise a glass of champagne to T-Magic and T-Rex, potentially the Huskers' best dynamic duo since Tommie Frazier-Ahman Green, or even Turner Gill-Mike Rozier.  Should be a fun team to watch this season!

The Huskers' five national championship trophies

(1971, 1972, 1994, 1995, 1997).