How to Train Your Yaks

"There are three ways to play jacks, and they're all wrong."

—Mark Seif on the Professional Poker Tour (not necessarily original with him).

Hiccup: [reading in the Dragon Manual]  "Eats its victims. Burns its victims. Buries its victims, chokes its victims, turns its victims inside-out."

—How to Train Your Dragon

Every poker player dreads finding Yaks (pocket Jacks).  We all know the siren song of the Yaks:  "Look at us!  So pretty!  So powerful!  We're nearly invincible!"  Then, you preflop raise, get the inevitable two or three callers, and the flop comes down with at least an Ace and usually a King or Queen to boot.  The Yaks whisper seductively, "They don't have an Ace.  We're still ahead.  Fire away!"  Then comes the raise.  There's always a raise when you have Yaks.  The Yaks lean in to murmur with their clover breath, "It's a bluff.  He's representing the Ace.  All he has is a flush draw."  Well ... hmmm ... yes, that makes sense.  The Yaks run a hoof up your thigh, "Aren't we pretty?  How can you turn us down? Soooo pretty!"  You push.  Your opponent snap-calls with Ace-King or a set of Queens.  You throw up a little in your mouth as the Yaks tapdance on your poker soul.  You make the poker player resolution—"Next time I'll fold those Yaks.  Seriously, watch me."

Well, I happen to think Yaks are magnificent, beautiful cards that are just misunderstood.  They are so much classier than those trampy suited Broadway cards—don't even get me started on that harlot, King-Queen sooooted.  If you can train them properly, your Yaks will bring you a lifetime of joy and profit at the poker tables.  Mistreat them, however, and they will make your life so miserable, you will wish you had taken up extreme ironing instead of poker as your stupid hobby of choice (extreme ironing—"the latest danger sport that combines the thrills of an extreme outdoor activity with the satisfaction of a well pressed shirt").

As many of you may have noticed, I recently managed to sneak away for a quick trip to Vegas with the sig other and two of his gal pals.  We enjoyed a great suite at the Palazzo, thanks to the awesome poker room rate deal.  I was "forced" to play a lot of poker, while the gals roamed the Strip, shopping and "boozing our faces off".  A perfect arrangement, if I may say so myself.  Best of all, I was able to work in some stellar Yak-training.

Our trip out was a breeze, leaving Des Moines at 8:30 a.m., and checking into the Palazzo by 11:30 a.m. Vegas time.  An oddity we encountered was a flock of birds inside the Denver "B" terminal; seriously, eight or so birds were just hopping and flitting around the empty seats.  Thankfully, there was a flu vaccine kiosk conveniently located in the same terminal, so I was able to ward off the bird flu.  Indoor birds—an inspired, yet devious marketing concept.  Well played, FLU*Ease!

We met up with the gals who took an early flight, and had been boozing on the Strip since 9:30 a.m.  Being on Iowa time, we hit Margaritaville for a quick lunch.  The food is decent for the price, and it never hurts to start the Vegas experience with a frosty tequila-based beverage.  After lunch, the gals headed off for some fun, while I headed back to the Venetian to grind some hours.

The Venetian poker room was packed, thanks to one of its Deep Stack Extravaganza tournaments being in full swing.  I remember my second trip to Vegas, just after the Venetian opened, when the poker room was large, fancy, and nearly empty.  You have to tip your cap to the Venetian poker room's management for having transformed itself into the most popular room on the Strip for both cash games and tournaments.  There's a good reason the Ironman of Poker festivities have been based out of the Venetian four of the past six years.

I got into a $1/$2 NLHE cash game after only a few minutes wait, even though every cash game table—all forty-some of them—appeared full, with the tourney area on the casino floor also jam-packed.  Nothing too exciting happened for a while.  Then, the Poker Grump and the Black Widow of Poker moved to my table.*  Now, with the Grump rocking the deuce-four, and the Black Widow wielding her crub whistle, I assumed that bad things would happen.  Ahhh, but I forgot that I now possess the power of the Yaks!

Oh yes, Yaks, beautiful Yaks!  The Grump, the Black Widow, and I have played a number of interesting sessions, but so far as I recall, we've only had pedestrian monsterpotten, with silly hands like flush-over-flush-over-set, but no deuce-four-vs.-crubs-vs.-Yaks showdowns.  Yet.  But this night was different.  The Grump allegedly bluffed me off a nice pot with a ridiculous 64 sooooted; like that nit would play that junky hand!  On the other hand, my iPhone notes indicate I bluffed the Grump off a flopped set of Yaks with pure rags when the river put a four flush and a four card straight on board.  Kuh-niggut!

[NOTE:  Per the Grump's comments below, it appears I bluffed another player entirely.  I should've known I could never get the better of the Grump!]

The real fireworks, unfortunately, focused on the Black Widow.  In back to back hands in my blinds, I found Yaks.  On the first hand, I took down a nice pot when the flop came all low cards (I don't recall the details, but I think the Black Widow folded in disgust on the turn).  Of course, being a gentleman (and a scholar), I showed the Yaks.  Next hand, my Yaks flopped pretty well, as far as Yaks are concerned—T-9-8, giving me an open-ended straight draw to go with my overpair.  The Black Widow and I got all our chips in the pot on the flop, and I rivered a 7 for the straight (two straights, for my cribbage-playing readers), though I wonder if my Yaks were already ahead.  Although I greatly respect and even, ahem, like, the Grump and the Black Widow, I'll still stack their chips any day.  In fact, as my long-time friend and fellow Ironman Santa Claus can attest, chips won from friends are especially sweet (this was the first anniversary of Santa taunting me in Lincoln after his CyClowns beat the Huskers—I had obtained 50-yard line, front seats to that debacle—then felted me at the Horseshoe on the way home with flopped set over set.  Bastard.).

I eventually cashed out and joined the gals for a disastrous dinner.  I then returned to the Venetian poker room for a few more hours of incredibly unmemorable poker.  I was a winner at both sessions, but honestly don't remember much at all about the swirl of interchangeable short-stacked semi-skilled poker players who donated their chips to me and the house.

The next day, I decided to head to the TI poker room for some poker while watching the Huskers play the CyClowns.  TI's poker room is a personal favorite; even the sig other has told me I should play there more often, since it usually results in his being able to get some extra shopping cash.  Meghan and Michelle were running the show, and they even put me on the cash game list when I phoned in, despite my not leaving my name; talk about customer service!  They also called down to the sports book to get the Huskers game put on one of the poker room TVs. 

I then proceeded to put on a Yak-training clinic.  In the course of about four hours, I was dealt Yaks a total of six times.  Many lesser players would have been driven insane by such a Cthulhu-ian nightmare.  Instead, I yoked those Yaks and played them brilliantly by flopping sets on five of the hands.  On one of the hands, I even turned quads, netting me a bonus wheel spin for $50 in jackpot cash.  As for the hand where I didn't flop a set, the flop instead was A-K-Q.  Mere mortals would have flinched, but no, I knew better.  I simply continuation bet the flop, then turned the Ten for Broadway and a good ol' fashioned stacking.  Nothing better than a four-rack cashout!

Later that night, back at the Venetian, I had my Kings snapped by a flopped set of Yaks, though I got a small measure of revenge when I later parlayed 53 sooooted into a wheel against his Aces-Up.  The next evening, after United Airlines overbooked my flight and then replaced the big overbooked plane with a smaller (and surprisingly still overbooked) plane, I enjoyed two bonus sessions of poker at Harrah's (thanks to the Total Rewards card which hooked me up with a $27 room during the cab ride from the airport back to the Strip).  My first session was Yak-free, though I did lose a big hand with 77 on a flop of Q-8-7 rainbow; we got it all-in and I was up against 88 and ... Q7?!?  Nothing better than drawing dead with two cards to come.

After dinner at KGB in Harrah's, I decided to play a total LAG-maniac donk session.  There were a couple of amusing hands, like where I showed deuce-four of crubs as a bluff.  Another player who follows the Grump (AVPer "acrtp") was sitting next to me, and complained he needed lessons in playing the deuce-four.  Well, the very next hand, I found the deuce-four and used it to stack a guy when I rivered ... something.  It doesn't really matter, as the deuce-four always finds a way to win.  Later, a good player flopped two pair with QJ, and snapped a flopped straight by rivering a full house.  On the next hand, I took down a pot on the flop with QJ, showed it, and declared, "I was on a full house draw!"  The other player smiled once he realized I was joking, and not poking fun at him.  Which reminds me—this trip I saw three near throwdowns, each of which resulted in a player ejection.  Intriguingly, I was not the instigator in any of the fights.

After running up my stack to maybe $800 total, the wheels came off beginning with a hand where I held Ace-Deuce sooooted, and flopped dos pairs with A-J-2.  After a weird min-3-bet of my near-min check-raise, I coulda-shoulda-woulda gotten away from my hand.  But no, I was stupid and doubled up the relative short stack with his infernal Yaks.  Dammit!  Freakin' luckbox to catch a set like that!  Live by the Yaks, die by the Yaks.  I took two more hits with my KK running into AA in a three-way all-in preflop, and when I pushed the flop with top pair against a flush draw that found the river.  Sigh.  If it weren't for bad luck, I'd win at least half of my races.

Sensing that I was getting too tired to swim in what had changed from a koi pond to a shark tank, I cashed out and was heading to my room for a quick nap, when I heard the siren song of the pits.  Hmmm, well, I was in Vegas, why not have some fun with my poker profits?  I sat down and played blackjack for about an hour, deciding to leave once I got up $500.  But, on the way to the cashier, I saw a craps table in operation.  Fancy seeing one of those in Vegas!  I couldn't resist the call of the dice, so I stepped up to the opposite end from the other player.  He went on a good run, then I went on a good run, and suddenly we had a busy table of folks laughing and raking in chips.  At one point, I had my buy-in plus $1,000 in profit in my hand, with another ~$500 on the table.  An ill-timed seven threw some cold water on the fun, and I decided to cash out.  On my way to the cage, the blackjack pit boss said hello, and since she was a nice lady, I sat down to chat a bit while playing a few more hands of blackjack with my favorite dealer, Phil (his nametag said "TC", but he looked like a Phil, and since I tipped well, he agreed to the name change).  After a half hour, I was up another $300, and had to leave to catch my flight.  So, altogether not a bad result for getting bumped from my flight!  (Interestingly, my little degenerate moment nearly tripled my Harrah's Total Rewards tier points, leaving me within a stone's throw of moving up from a gold card to a platinum card.  It's good to have goals!).

In any event, now y'all know how to train your Yaks.

Original image and more about Yaks at the Lance Fox blog.

* In addition to Poker Grump and the Black Widow, I ran into a number of readers on my trip—AVPers AlaskaGal, Mrs. Lederer, zippyboy, Rich/acrtp, and ekirwin; Vegas Poker Now bigshots Yappy Dave, Clem, and MissingFlops; poker bloggers Tarpie and "S" (a/k/a  "Mr. DiceGRRL"); WPBT last-longer challenge teammate CaityCaity (the illustrious "Knights Who Say 'Nit!'", unless we become the "Nits Who Say 'Ni!'"); and at least three other readers whose names escape my increasingly age-addled mind (my apologies!).

Master of Yaks

End of passion play, crumbling away,
I'm your source of self-destruction.
Veins that pump with fear, sucking dark is clear,
Leading on your death's construction.

Taste me you will see,
More is all you need.
Dedicated to
How I'm killing you.

Come crawling faster.
Obey your Master.
Your life burns faster.
Obey your Master.
Master!

Master of Puppets I'm pulling your strings,
Twisting your mind and smashing your dreams.
Blinded by me, you can't see a thing.
Just call my name, 'cause I'll hear you scream.
Master!
Master!

—"Master of Puppets", by Metallica

I've long been a huge Metallica fan, and have been to more of their concerts (five) than any other band.  I first got hooked when their first video, for "One", debuted during my early college days.  Of course, this led me to explore their earlier albums, and what song is more quintessentially Metallica than "Master of Puppets"?  I suppose some would argue for the ubiquitous "Enter Sandman", but in my view, "Sad But True" was the best song off the Black Album.  Of course, if we're talking best Metallica song, I might lean toward "Fade to Black" off Ride the Lightning or "Sanitarium" off Master of Puppets.  If you need a song to rock out to when angry, to chill out with when down, or to pump you up on a long run, Metallica has plenty of music that will fit the bill.

In any event, the classic Metallica song "Master of Puppets" might as well be called "The Call of the Yaks" considering the feelings of anger and despair that often accompany playing pocket Yaks.  As the saying goes, "There are three ways to play pocket Jacks; all of them wrong."  Frankly, I've probably found more than three ways to misplay Yaks over the years, often using three misplays in a single session.  But yesterday, at the Meadows, I finally discovered how to play Yaks.  Yes, I became the Master of Yaks.

I went to the Meadows ATM for a short session, hoping to find good action after the noon tournament.  While waiting for a spot to open, I watched the final table of the tourney.  Down to the final three players, the blinds were 5K/10K, and the chip stacks were 165K, 5K, and 5K.  Yes, the chip leader, Lori, had a 33:1:1 chip lead, with the small blind having a single 5K chip merely because he was rounded up during the chip race off that occurred when they went to three-handed play.  The two short stacks were immediately all-in, then heads up play began.  Lori got her money in as a huge favorite but lost with Q4s vs. 54o, Q8 vs. 85, and KQ vs. 62.  In the first two hands, her opponent rivered a 5, while in the third hand, he flopped a duck.  Finally, on Hand #4 of heads up, with the stacks nearly equal (95K to 80K), Lori ran her AcQc into 66, and despite not hitting a pair, a flush, or a straight, still won the tourney after finding a double-paired board to counterfeit the pocket 6s:  K-T-T-K-4.  Amazing showing by Lori, one of the nicest regulars at the Meadows, albeit a tough player.

About a half hour later, I finally get a spot on one of the 1/2 NLHE tables.  I posted in behind the button.  Then, three hands later, there is a straddle and a call to me in middle position.  I find Commie Yaks, and decide to limp, expecting a raise from the straddler, and planning to reraise.  Instead, the player on my left pops it to $17.  Surprise!  Even more surprising, there were five callers to me.  Hmmmm, repop squeeze play?  Call and set mine?  The initial raiser had a pretty tight range for that raise, say {AA-99, AK, AQs}, so I wasn't thrilled about maybe walking into a big hand.  Also, there were a couple of gamblers among the callers, so who knows if a squeeze play would work?  I finally opted to set mine, to lower my risk of a big hit to my stack, while still fairly certain to get paid off big if I hit the flop. 

Alrighty then, seven of us see the flop with ~$120 already in the pot.  The flop came out Js-7c-6c.  Donkey Kong!  It checked to me, and I checked as well, certain there would be a bet.  Sure enough, the preflop raiser made it $35 to go, and there were two callers to me.  The pot was getting huge, and the board was draw heavy, so I just went ahead and pushed for ~$275 total.  The preflop raiser agonized, then called, the next two guys folded, and the final guy called.  The turn was the Kh.  Preflop raiser pushed all-in for another $100, and seemed really happy.  Ruh roh, Rooby!  Did someone just hit a bigger set?  Inquiring minds want to know!  The river was a non-club Ten.  Groovy, AcQc just got there.  How lovely.  But no, preflop raiser rolls over AcKc, while the other guy shows ... 54 offsuit?!?!   Pac Man!  The pot was ~$980 to me, giving me a triple up on my first orbit.

And that, dear readers, is how to play Yaks.

Yak with Mt. Everest in background (image source).

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POSTSCRIPT:  OK, in the interests of full disclosure, I did donk back some of the chips, mostly on one hand where a table maniac and I each flopped Kings up, only he had the better second pair.  I also got run down in a couple of hands, but still carted home a full buy-in profit. 

Unfortunately, I didn't play nearly as well Friday night in a home game with, among others, Ironman Mr. Chow, who channeled his inner crasian to run down my KK with QTo, flopping J-9-x, and turning his six-outer to the straight, at which point I promptly spewed my entire stack to him drawing dead.  Eh, maybe I'll make Cowboys the next hand I master.  I can see it now—Master of Cowboys—a blended sequel to Rounders and Brokeback Mountain.  There will need to be a Tom Dwan cameo, obviously, and maybe an appearance by Zed and the Gimp ...

Hit By a Horseshoe

This week, I traveled back to Nebraska for my grandmother's funeral (she was 94 and had her full mental wits about her until the pain meds took over the last week or two, so it was about as good a way for someone to go as is possible).  On the way back to Iowa, I stopped in at the Horseshoe casino in Council Bluffs (just across the border from Omaha, for those deficient in Midwestern geography).  As I've discussed previously, this is the nicest room in the state, but it has some quirky rules that are unique in the state.  On a Friday morning, there was a full 2/5 NLHE game with a list, three 1/3 NLHE games, and a 3/6 LHE game.  I got into one of the 1/3 NL games, as my time was short and I didn't want to wait for the 2/5 NL game.  Perhaps I should've waited.

I started off fairly well, building my $200 buy-in (max. for the game) into a $450 stack, mostly by snapping KK with set of Queens, and picking off three pretty obvious bluffs.  The game was playing pretty tight, so a lot of small pot stealing was going on while the nits waited for big hands.  However, the table was friendly and joking around a lot, so it was that rarest of events—an enjoyable nit-fest.  Eventually, a couple of us got the table loosened up to the point that $15 was routinely called in 3-5 spots, making the inevitable flop steal even more lucrative.  Just another service provided by your friendly crAAKKer.

Poker players like to talk about "variance"; let's just say that my table was approaching Infinite Improbability levels of variance.  In the few hours I played, I saw Yaks flop top set against Kings (with all the money getting in on the flop), only for running Kings to hit, with a quads bonus to boot.  On at least four occasions, a turn or river "joker" hit, giving one player a flush and another player a full house.  Flopped straights and flushes were so common, it became a running joke about who flopped the nuts.  There were two flopped set over set situations, several flopped flush over flush hands, as well as three monochrome boards for split pots.  On my first two straddles (to $10), the table uber-nit picks up pocket Yaks, and each time runs them right into pocket Kings, losing both hands, his stack, his rebuy, and likely his mind.  Pure insanity.

Have you ever heard of getting hit by the deck?   The exact opposite happened to me—let's call it getting hit by a horseshoe.  My profit disappeared when twice in three hands (my BB and button), I play A5s, flop dos pairs, and find I am drawing thin versus a set of 3s and flopped top two (AJ).  Rebuy!  A couple of orbits later, I had built up my stack to just over $300, when I straddle and raise with AhJh, after there were seven (!) limpers.  Suddenly there is a raise, an all-in, and I can see the initial raiser looking to call/push.  I reluctantly fold, only to find out the two players are holding ... AA and JJ!  Sometimes, I play so good.  As I pat myself on the back for a good fold, the flop comes out all hearts.  Sometimes, I play so bad.

Soon, though, another horseshoe clangs into my skull when I play 8c6c from the BB, making the 6th caller of the $15 preflop raise.  The flop comes out QcJc9c.  Donkey Kong!!  Knowing there will be a bet, I check, and sure enough, there is a bet and a call to me.  I push for ~$175, and suddenly there is a push behind me, the flop bettor pushes, and the flop caller thinks, then calls!!  Holy action, Batman!  I figure I have to be dead, or near dead to the Tc, but am pleased to see:  Jd9d, QhQd, and AcKs.  I am less pleased to see the river, a non-ten club.  Running it on Cardplayer.com, I was 19% preflop, 51% on the flop, 68% on the turn, and 0% on the river.  Perhaps I should make a multicolor graph or something ...

Anyway, I still had an hour to play, so I rebought.  I stole a couple of pots, and had nearly $280 when the other horseshoe dropped.  There were five players in for $15 when I find Ts9s in the cutoff.  I call, and we see a flop of QcJc8s.  Yahtzee!  Original raiser c-bets for $40, gets raised to $100 total, I push, and the raiser snap-calls.  He proudly rolls over AQo (with no club), which makes me a slight favorite.  Running Aces make me a slight underdog.  Standard.  The table murmurs with disbelief and condolences, but in keeping with my new mantra, I laugh and simply say, "Good hand.  Time to hit the road.  Good luck everyone." 

I'll definitely be back to the Horseshoe for more fishing.  But next time, the poker gods owe me some seriously positive variance.  To be blunt, Set owes me a bunch of sets.

Set—Egyptian god of darkness, storms, and chaos.

A powerful member of the poker god pantheon.

(Image from here).

Herding Yaks at Riverside

Work took me to eastern Iowa the past two days. Tuesday night was spent beating college buddy Santa Claus in a NLHE tourney at his place, along with enjoying some Chinese takeout, wine, and gin. I suppose I should also mention I lost in that tourney to Mrs. Claus, who called my flop bluff with A-high, which held up over my K-high. Rigged, I tell you!

Wednesday I mediated a case, and got done in time to make a short stop off at Riverside Casino, Insane Asylum, and ATM near Iowa City. It's a nice looking casino and golf resort, with a 14-table poker room. But, the poker room is quirky enough to qualify as the Mandalay Bay of the Midwest:

• No electronic devices can be used at the table at any time, in any manner, even if you are not in the hand.  One old guy admonished me for Twittering at the table, claiming I would void any high hand or badbeat jackpot, even if I'm not in the hand.  I felt like saying I didn't give a flying pig, but it looked like the fellows at my table took their jackpots very seriously, so I acquiesced.
• Dealer tips are not kept by the individual dealer.  Nor are the tips pooled with the other poker dealers.  Instead, poker dealer tips are pooled with all the other dealer tips from the pit games.  Not a lot of motivation for the dealers, and it shows.
• The tables seem slightly larger than regulation vegas tables, making it hard for a lot of people to see the board from the ends of the table.  One dealer had trouble reaching bets, so he would put the deck down on the table, half stand, lean forward to pull in bets two-handed, then sit back down and pick the deck back up.  Very odd.
• The chairs swivel, but are not on wheels, and are not adjustable for height.  Their fixed height is too short for the tables.
• They have HHJs for quads and straight flushes, but they are quite small.  There is also a bad beat jackpot and a "mini bad beat" jackpot.  Pick a promo already!

When I arrived late afternoon, there were two 2/5 NLHE games in progress, with a main game and a full must move game.  I got seated within minutes.  The action was pretty wild, with a lot of pots where 4-5 players called $20-$25 preflop, and postflop big bets were being called down by third or fourth pair, which often won the pot.  I saw one $1600 pot where five players called $25 preflop, and three players got it all-in on a flop of:  Js6s2s.  The hands:  KsTd, 9s3s, 8s4s.  Hand runs out blanks.  Within minutes, the winner and the loser of that hand both got called to the main game, taking a ton of chips with them.

Our game suddenly became uber-passive, with a lot of limped pots, and no 3-betting preflop.  I manage to turn out just over a double up by playing maybe 10 hands in two hours, and scoring medium sized pots with:  a flopped set of 8s filling up on a card that made the nut flush, a flopped set of treys knocking off flopped top two with AK, my own flopped top two with AK holding up against a pair with flush draw, and 3-betting out of the BB preflop with AQ to steal $100 in limp-calls of a $20 preflop raise.  That's it.  That's my session.  Exciting, eh?

There was plenty of excitement in the room, however.  The main game looked to be playing psychotically, with a ton of big pots.  The players all seemed to be regulars, and there sounded like a lot of bluffing, 3-betting, and big moves being made.  At one point, I tried to estimate the chips in play, and figured there had to be $11K to $13K on the table--two players had over $2000, two other players had over $1500, and the rest all had at least $800-$1000.  By contrast, at my table, I was one of the two big stacks with $600 when I left, and most stacks were in the $100-$250 range.  At the main game, pots of $500-$1000 were being pushed regularly.  At my table, the most exciting moment was when a debate broke out among the old farmers as to which Vegas casino had the best action--a couple backed the Riviera, and a couple backed the Orleans, and one guy threw out the Flamingo.  Actually, that conversation alone should tell you how the game at my table played.  Although both games were labeled "2/5 NLHE", it's pretty clear that those games had nothing in common but their limits.

Which brings us to the Yaks.  One guy was stacked twice in one orbit with Yaks, running a flopped set into a monster draw that got there (Q8s gutterballed Broadway), and a few hands later flopping top set with Yaks against a set of 9s.  Of course, the 9s river quads.  Hilarity ensued, which was aggravated by the "apology" of the guy with quad 9s.  A little later, two other guys get it all-in on a junky low flop, only to find it's Yaks vs. Yaks!   Of course, the board four-flushes.  Bonus hilarity ensued!  Altogether a very satisfying poker session.

Wine & Whine O' the Week (v. 1.1)

In what I hope becomes a weekly (or at least regular) feature, I proudly present the first installment of Wine & Whine O' the Week, which combines two of my favorite life experiences: a good glass of wine, and a good glass-shattering whine by some poor yahoo who ran into one of my "monster" hands:

"He called me with Jacks, after I reraised to $60. He has to know I've got Aces or Kings. Jacks!"--Angry Sunglasses Guy @ Mirage

This yahoo's whine pairs well with the 2007 Rosenblum Rockpile Road Reserve Petite Sirah. Another hearty petite sirah from the uber-masters of that grape, lots of black fruit flavors with hints of chocolate and spice. Perfect for sipping on a cold winter night, with or without comfort food, basking in the memory of another tilted D-Bag.

Personal Poker Terms & Phrases

Over the years of playing poker, I've developed a few terms that have stuck with me and my friends when I talk about poker. So, to avoid any failures to communicate, here are a few terms I'll be using in my blog (many more after the jump):

Canoe—A small full house (i.e., a small boat).  Generally something like 5s full of 3s.

Catamaran—A full house made with unpaired hole cards, e.g., 87 in the hole, 8-8-7-x-x on board.  So named because catamarans are boats with twin hulls.

ET—An uber-calling station, incapable of folding bottom pair or better. Origin—"ET phone home!" Usage ex.—"Santa Claus is a gray-haired, Zima-drinking, sorghum-swilling ET."

Fat Stripper hands—Hands that make you limp, and you won't pay $20 to see more or play further. Good examples of Fat Stripper hands are JT, pocket ducks, and 86s.

Hilarity ensues OR #hilarityensues—Not my original phrase, it has been used in pop culture for some time. Its origins are in TV sitcom synopses where some weird circumstances align, and the viewer is promised a rollicking good time which is rarely delivered (e.g., "Bubba accidentally gives moonshine to Baby Jessica before her first day of kindergarten. Hilarity ensues."). I've adopted the phrase as my ironic Twitter hashtag to denote situations where I snap off someone's big hand with something rather improbable, causing the loser to go on tilt and maybe even berate or assault me. Usage ex.--"Just snapped AA with 53s. Flopped the wheel. Dodging chips. #hilarityensues".

#mybad—Another ironic Twitter hashtag, used when I am berated by some player for winning a pot after making what they consider to be a bad play. Me, I'm results-oriented.

Pot Limit Gamboool / PLG — My name for Pot Limit Omaha (PLO). 'Nuff said.

Statistical Variance Box / SVB—The proper term for a player known coloquially as a "luckbox". As far too many poker "experts" have pontificated, there is no such thing as "luck"; rather, mathematically speaking, there is only "statistical variance" (or "variance" for short). "SVB" is an easy to use acronym to throw out at the table, and is also a little more discrete if you want to insult someone but not have them understand what you mean. Usage ex.—"Ironman Barbie is the world's biggest SVB ... and a d-bag."

Spousal Variance—That portion of a poker bankroll that is spent, directly or indirectly, by or for a spouse or significant other in order to play poker (i.e., to get a "spouse pass"). Examples include: spa sessions, shopping sessions, gifts, home renovations, and straight cash payments. Spousal variance also includes the extra cost of a joint Vegas trip vs. a solo trip--better lodging, better meals, etc. Spousal variance is always -EV (when was the last time your spouse gave you money to play poker?).

Yaks—Pocket Jacks. Viewing this hand causes headache, nausea, vomiting (yakking), cold sweats, nervous tremors, night terrors, and occasional syncope, paralysis, and/or nervous breakdown; truly this is the hand designed by Cthulhu himself. The gates of Hades are no longer guarded by Cerberus, the three-headed dog with a mane of live serpents and the tail of a dragon. No, the entrance to Hell is now guarded by two fire-breathing agents of doom—a pair of Yaks. Yak exposure can have a cumulative effect over time; for poker players with numerous past encounters with Yaks, even gazing on Yaks can lead to instantaneous insanity. Usage ex.—"Yaks suck Donkey balls."