Idiot Sports Announcer Watch (v. 1.1)—Out With a Brain

The return of football season means the return of a crAAKKer feature that went on hiatus after its initial debut—the Idiot Sports Announcer Watch.  Let's face it, there is really no reason to watch sports on TV between the conclusion of March Madness and the beginning of football season, with the exception of golf majors where Tiger Woods or Zach Johnson are in the hunt on Sunday.  But with the return of football, it's time to discuss the most annoying development in sports reporting and commentary—the abandonment of grammar when discussing player injuries.  The typical offending statement goes something like this:

"The Happy Hippos' defense is going to be challenged tonight, since star cornerback Joe Smith is out with a knee.  Rookie Billy Joe Jim Bob Johnson is really going to have to step up and elevate his game."

Setting aside the silly sports clichés—we can cover those in future posts—since when did folks who supposedly hold journalism or other college degrees start thinking the formulation:

"Smith is out with a [body part]."

was an acceptable grammatical replacement for:

"Smith is out with a [medical condition]." ??

This isn't difficult.  If you want to report a knee injury, you can say "ACL rupture", "meniscus tear", "knee strain", or simply a generic "knee injury".  See how easy it is to make your sentence grammatical, merely by adding one little word? 

The silliness of the "out with a [body part]" formulation is evident from the fact that even the offending announcers themselves do not use it consistently.  Have you ever heard an announcer report that a player with a concussion was "out with a head" or "out with a brain"?  How about a player suffering from the flu being reported as "out with lungs", or a little salmonella resulting in a player being "out with a small intestine"?

Look, I understand that language evolves constantly, and it is probably foolhardy to rail against such a relatively harmless grammatical error.  But, sports are widely watched by kids, and if they hear non-grammatical usages, they tend to adopt them, which can only be detrimental (assuming, of course, that educators and employers still care about things like grammar).  Also, given that many of these same nitwits in the sports biz will debate grammatical esoterica like whether "RBI" or "RBIs" is the proper plural form for the abbreviation for "runs batted in"*, I think a little grammatical respect is appropriate for "out with a [condition]".

Incidentally, there will be no further posts today.  I'm out with a sinus.

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*  For the record, I don't give a flying pig which one you use.  But, I think "RBI" as a plural sounds stilted and pretentious.

Let's Talk D-Bags and Cereal, Killer

Those of you following crAAKKer for our D-Bag O' the Day feature will be pleased to learn that there is, in fact, an official spelling for the long-form version of "D-Bag":

The word is douche bag.  Douche space bag.  People will insist that it’s one closed-up word—douchebag—but they are wrong.  When you cite the dictionary as proof of the division, they will tell you that the entry refers to a product women use to clean themselves and not the guy who thinks it’s impressive to drop $300 on a bottle of vodka.  You will calmly point out that, actually, the definition in Merriam-Webster is “an unattractive or offensive person” and not a reference to Summer’s Eve.  They will then choose to ignore you and write it as one word anyway.

That's the definitive word from Lori Fradkin, writing at The Awl about her former copy editing days.  The former law review editor and grammar cop in me can relate to how being a language nit has its drawbacks:

The job has its perks—an accumulation of random knowledge, for instance—but it also has its side effects when you unintentionally drink the copy Kool-Aid.  Once you train yourself to spot errors, you can’t not spot them.  You can’t simply shut off the careful reading when you leave the office.  You notice typos in novels, missing words in other magazines, incorrect punctuation on billboards.  You have nightmares that your oversight turned Mayor Bloomberg into a "pubic" figure.  You walk by a beauty salon the morning after you had sex for the first time with a guy you’ve been seeing and point out that there’s no such thing as “lazer” hair removal, realizing that this may not be the best way to get to have sex with him again.

Now, I've been blessed with a natural talent for spotting errors in writing, which is quite useful in my line of work. The downside—other than being the unofficial editor for many in my firm—is being constantly jolted by errors while reading.  It can be tough to read a brief or online article when basic grammatical errors keep jumping off the page.  Typos happen, people can be in a rush, but some errors are just so basic I can't help but assume the writer is lazy or stupid.  If I ever start a grammar Taserlist, the first entries will be those who can't figure out your / you're or there / their / they're.  You've been warned.

Fradkin's article also made reference to serial commas, which have been discussed this week on the Volokh Conspiracy (a libertarian-leaning law blog).  David Post uses this example from the Robert Frost poem "Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Night", to illustrate the change that can occur with the mere addition or subtraction of a comma:

(a) “The woods are lovely, dark and deep”

versus

(b) “The woods are lovely, dark, and deep”

I also enjoyed this example reported by Brendan Kiley at Slog:

This description, published in The Times, of a documentary by Peter Ustinov:

"... highlights of his global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year-old demigod and a dildo collector."

Now, I know that most journalism style books eschew the serial comma, in large part because historically it saved time when typesetting printing presses.  Other writing manuals mandate use of the serial comma.  As for me, I use the serial comma because it helps avoid ambiguity, and frankly, in the age of computers and laser printers, how tough is it to add a comma?  Of course, I also use the serial comma because I'm a compulsive punctuater, in large part because I did a lot of public speaking in high school, and I punctuate as if I were orating.  So, the serial comma just feels natural when I write.

Now, I'm not saying that those of you who omit the serial comma are D-Bags.  After all, it's entirely possible you're merely dildo collectors.

English as a Second Language for Sports Announcers

While watching an entertaining weekend of football (a big high five to F-Train for his Jets knocking off the Electric Norvs), I was reminded repeatedly of how badly many sports announcers mangle the English language. Here are my two biggest sports announcing pet peeves du jour:

“There’s no question …” / “No question about it …”—Umm, if there’s no question about a point, if it is so obvious and so incontrovertible that there can be no debate on the issue, why oh why are you wasting my time with your nattering?

“Player X is out with a [body part].”—This formulation is pure verbal laziness. “Smith is out with a knee.” Actually, he has two knees. He’s out because he has (take your pick): a) a torn ACL, b) a knee strain, or c) a knee injury. See how that works? You report on a medical condition, not merely name a part of the anatomy. To illustrate the silliness of this formulation, imagine saying a player is “out with a head” or “out with a brain” when in fact he is “out with a concussion”.

Now we can only hope Joe Buck goes back to baseball where nobody listens to him …